I would like to address something that has been brought to my attention. In the circle of Reactive Attachment Disorder the term "RAD" is used freely in two contexts. One of them is the stating the actual disorder. For example "My daughter has RAD.". The 2nd way it is used is as a way to quickly identify that the child you are writing about has RAD. For example "My RAD is struggling at reading.".
It was said to me (by a RAD parent) that friends and family were put off by me using this term when referencing my daughter. They felt it was wrong for me to identify her as her disorder.
I assured the mom that I did not call my child "RAD", but used the term to distinguish her from other children...considering that was the point of the article. I encouraged the mom to explain to her friends and family that it is no different than using the letters FD for foster daughter or AD for adopted daughter. Obviously, it is used to help the reader identify all the needed information without me having to type it all out every time.
So to clarify, in case you were offended too, I do not use the term RAD in a derogatory way. I do not call my daughter RAD. And I use her name or the words "my daughter" the majority of the time in my blog. I am hopeful that this explanation has cleared up any ignorance about the term and I am confident that as I continue to use it, there will be no more confusion.
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Can Your Marriage Survive RAD?
I am continuing my series today on my daughter's manipulation strategy. In my 2 previous entries I wrote about her step by step strategy and then what I tell friends and family to help educate them about it. Today I will be writing on the manipulation against moms.
I love the term "the nurturing enemy" and it's reference to a mom from a RAD point of view. I mean, seriously, how fitting is that? We do everything for our RAD and they hate us more than anyone else.
A RAD will behave differently in front of others in an attempt to make Mom look crazy. I would go into more detail about how this looks, but I don't need to. I am guessing right now every RAD mom is shaking her head yes as she reads this. Listen to me, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Why? Why do they feel need to make you look crazy? The answer is the same to every other question with a RAD...control.
I have explained this in other posts, but it is so critical in understanding RAD that I am going to explain it again. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder want to feel safe like everyone else. RAD kids only feel safe when they are in control. They cannot control many things in their lives because they are children so they go after the things they can control:
School effort
Hoarding or refusing food
Bodily waste
and...people's emotions
The first 3 I listed are easy for them to control. It is simply doing or not doing something. But it's that last one, people's emotions, that they accomplish through manipulation.
The relationship that is most affected by this is the mom, aka the nurturing enemy. And probably the most threatened relationship is your marriage.
Imagine with me that you are a young kid about to enter a tug of war contest against 2 much stronger kids. You know you are going to lose. So you decide that the only way to win is to get one of those strong kids on your team. The problem is those 2 strong kids are best friends. You are going to have to get one of them to turn on the other and join you. How do you do that...you butter them up, flatter them, and then lie about the other one. Pretty soon the tug of war game is you and 1 strong kid against the other one. You now have a chance at winning.
This is how a RAD views parents. They know they are less powerful than the 2 of you together. They are smart. Very, very smart. They show their true colors to the one they are with the most and become pals with the other. Pretty soon you find yourself telling your husband about the holy terror you dealt with that day at Walmart and all he sees is the princess that comes out in the evening.
I am going to be honest...we don't have this problem.
He knows me well enough to know that I don't lie to him and he knows her well enough to know she does.
This does not mean that Kate doesn't try. It just means we are both on to her and she rarely succeeds at this. This has been key to our marriage not only surviving, but thriving. We will both tell you that our marriage is stronger since we adopted Kate. It forced us into hyper communication and we were suddenly the only 2 people that truly understood what life was like. We NEEDED each other.
Your marriage will NOT make it if you are not both educated on RAD and neck deep in the drama that they bring into your house. You should be so much on the same page that your RAD sees you both as the nurturing enemy. ( However, even if you are both super involved and on the same team, your RAD will likely still act out against the mom. This a deep seeded reaction that goes way back. A RAD naturally chooses to hate the mom so much because that is who they would naturally attach to first and have the strongest attachment to. This is scary and so they fight this relationship the hardest. With RAD you have to think about everything as backwards so , in a way, you could look at all the hate and disgust thrown your way as proof that you are actually your RAD's favorite which is why she is so threatened by your love and commitment...just a thought.)
So what can you do to prevent your RAD from over taking your marriage?
1. Keep each other informed on what is going on.
Clint and I will even text each other across the room to see how we want to handle something that Kate is doing right then. I will also tell him before he gets home how to act toward Kate or questions to ask her. For example if she is in the safe seat and I am ignoring all her attempts at causing more of an issue, I will tel him this so he knows to ignore the behavior as well. Or if she did a great job on reading a book that day, I will tell him so he is sure to ask her how reading was.
2. Talk about the other one to your RAD.
While Clint is at work and I am dealing with Kate, I will say things like "Your dad and I will decide...". This doesn't mean I don't enforce rules or consequences without him. I just make sure I always include him or his name in some part so she knows that her attempt to triangulate the situation will be a waste of time because he will already know and he is on my side.
3. Take turns with the discipline , but be consistent.
This is so hard. Kate never knows who she is going to get stuck with when we are both home. But she does know that it doesn't matter. We have the same standards and the same rules. This doesn't mean we naturally discipline the same way, but we know we have to be consistent with our RAD. Which leads straight into #4.
4. Listen to your spouse and try their ideas.
Clint and I do think differently. We are two separate people after all. It is always nice when we can utilize the other one's approach instead of fighting it. Many a good ideas in our home have come from a conversation that started with "This is going to sound crazy, but can you trust me?".
Just yesterday I was struggling with Kate manipulating the safe seat so she could see what Sam and Jack were watching on TV. I was telling Clint about it on the phone. I told him I was at a loss because I didn't want her to watch the TV but I also didn't want her know that she had manipulated the consequence. Clint's idea was to scoot the TV out a little because of a "glare on it". I loved this idea because it took care of the problem without letting it be because of her manipulation. I took it a step further and had her go use the restroom while I moved the TV. By the time she came out, the TV was moved and we were all back in our seats as if nothing had even happened. She was not amused when she sat down and saw she could no longer see the TV.
5. Let your RAD see you love your spouse.
I think this goes without saying and is true for all kids. Let your kids know that your spouse is a priority to you. Greet each other BEFORE you greet your kids. Talk about how much your spouse means to you. Basically, help them see that your relationship is too strong for them to waste their time on destroying.
Hang in there, Moms. You aren't crazy.
I had intended on discussing how a RAD makes a mom look crazy to grandparents, friends, and teachers, but this is long enough so I think I will save that for another day.
Please let me know if you find this helpful and if there are other RAD topics or questions you would like to cover. I want to help educate and encourage!
I love the term "the nurturing enemy" and it's reference to a mom from a RAD point of view. I mean, seriously, how fitting is that? We do everything for our RAD and they hate us more than anyone else.
A RAD will behave differently in front of others in an attempt to make Mom look crazy. I would go into more detail about how this looks, but I don't need to. I am guessing right now every RAD mom is shaking her head yes as she reads this. Listen to me, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Why? Why do they feel need to make you look crazy? The answer is the same to every other question with a RAD...control.
I have explained this in other posts, but it is so critical in understanding RAD that I am going to explain it again. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder want to feel safe like everyone else. RAD kids only feel safe when they are in control. They cannot control many things in their lives because they are children so they go after the things they can control:
School effort
Hoarding or refusing food
Bodily waste
and...people's emotions
The first 3 I listed are easy for them to control. It is simply doing or not doing something. But it's that last one, people's emotions, that they accomplish through manipulation.
The relationship that is most affected by this is the mom, aka the nurturing enemy. And probably the most threatened relationship is your marriage.
Imagine with me that you are a young kid about to enter a tug of war contest against 2 much stronger kids. You know you are going to lose. So you decide that the only way to win is to get one of those strong kids on your team. The problem is those 2 strong kids are best friends. You are going to have to get one of them to turn on the other and join you. How do you do that...you butter them up, flatter them, and then lie about the other one. Pretty soon the tug of war game is you and 1 strong kid against the other one. You now have a chance at winning.
This is how a RAD views parents. They know they are less powerful than the 2 of you together. They are smart. Very, very smart. They show their true colors to the one they are with the most and become pals with the other. Pretty soon you find yourself telling your husband about the holy terror you dealt with that day at Walmart and all he sees is the princess that comes out in the evening.
I am going to be honest...we don't have this problem.
He knows me well enough to know that I don't lie to him and he knows her well enough to know she does.
This does not mean that Kate doesn't try. It just means we are both on to her and she rarely succeeds at this. This has been key to our marriage not only surviving, but thriving. We will both tell you that our marriage is stronger since we adopted Kate. It forced us into hyper communication and we were suddenly the only 2 people that truly understood what life was like. We NEEDED each other.
Your marriage will NOT make it if you are not both educated on RAD and neck deep in the drama that they bring into your house. You should be so much on the same page that your RAD sees you both as the nurturing enemy. ( However, even if you are both super involved and on the same team, your RAD will likely still act out against the mom. This a deep seeded reaction that goes way back. A RAD naturally chooses to hate the mom so much because that is who they would naturally attach to first and have the strongest attachment to. This is scary and so they fight this relationship the hardest. With RAD you have to think about everything as backwards so , in a way, you could look at all the hate and disgust thrown your way as proof that you are actually your RAD's favorite which is why she is so threatened by your love and commitment...just a thought.)
So what can you do to prevent your RAD from over taking your marriage?
1. Keep each other informed on what is going on.
Clint and I will even text each other across the room to see how we want to handle something that Kate is doing right then. I will also tell him before he gets home how to act toward Kate or questions to ask her. For example if she is in the safe seat and I am ignoring all her attempts at causing more of an issue, I will tel him this so he knows to ignore the behavior as well. Or if she did a great job on reading a book that day, I will tell him so he is sure to ask her how reading was.
2. Talk about the other one to your RAD.
While Clint is at work and I am dealing with Kate, I will say things like "Your dad and I will decide...". This doesn't mean I don't enforce rules or consequences without him. I just make sure I always include him or his name in some part so she knows that her attempt to triangulate the situation will be a waste of time because he will already know and he is on my side.
3. Take turns with the discipline , but be consistent.
This is so hard. Kate never knows who she is going to get stuck with when we are both home. But she does know that it doesn't matter. We have the same standards and the same rules. This doesn't mean we naturally discipline the same way, but we know we have to be consistent with our RAD. Which leads straight into #4.
4. Listen to your spouse and try their ideas.
Clint and I do think differently. We are two separate people after all. It is always nice when we can utilize the other one's approach instead of fighting it. Many a good ideas in our home have come from a conversation that started with "This is going to sound crazy, but can you trust me?".
Just yesterday I was struggling with Kate manipulating the safe seat so she could see what Sam and Jack were watching on TV. I was telling Clint about it on the phone. I told him I was at a loss because I didn't want her to watch the TV but I also didn't want her know that she had manipulated the consequence. Clint's idea was to scoot the TV out a little because of a "glare on it". I loved this idea because it took care of the problem without letting it be because of her manipulation. I took it a step further and had her go use the restroom while I moved the TV. By the time she came out, the TV was moved and we were all back in our seats as if nothing had even happened. She was not amused when she sat down and saw she could no longer see the TV.
5. Let your RAD see you love your spouse.
I think this goes without saying and is true for all kids. Let your kids know that your spouse is a priority to you. Greet each other BEFORE you greet your kids. Talk about how much your spouse means to you. Basically, help them see that your relationship is too strong for them to waste their time on destroying.
Hang in there, Moms. You aren't crazy.
I had intended on discussing how a RAD makes a mom look crazy to grandparents, friends, and teachers, but this is long enough so I think I will save that for another day.
Please let me know if you find this helpful and if there are other RAD topics or questions you would like to cover. I want to help educate and encourage!
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