Dear___________,
I know we used to be close. We used to share conversations and enjoy meals together. Remember how much fun we used to have when our families would get together? Those memories are some of my most treasured. It's a shame they are only memories.
I remember telling you about my daughter. I told you all the information I read on her online profile and I showed you her pictures. You were so excited for me! Adoption! It was a long road, filled with boring details of paperwork, but you always asked. You always listened.
It was so amazing to introduce her to you after such a long journey. She, of course, cared nothing about meeting you, but I know your heart was over joyed at meeting her. I am so thankful for your companionship along that road. You were a blessing to me.
We continued to get together, only it didn't work anymore. We figured it was just going to take time for her to settle. But after many attempts in became clear to me that this wasn't an easy fix.
I began to pull away. I later realized that you probably took that as you not being important anymore. You must have assumed that I no longer valued our friendship. I can not blame you for that.
After a while, I didn't just pull away, I was gone. I was absent. Even replaced. I saw it happen. It hurt. But I didn't blame you.
I am doing better now. Can I tell you what you didn't see? Can I tell you what I didn't want you to see?
My family was broken.
My daughter had taken over.
I wasn't just failing at being a good friend. I was failing at being a good mom.
All of the sudden I was the mom at the store whose child was throwing tantrums or stealing items. I was the mom at play group whose child was capable of hurting other kids. I was the mom that couldn't relate to the other moms. It became too hard to try.
Maybe if I had told you the whole truth our friendship could have been saved. Maybe. But I was scared if I told you that my daughter talked about hurting people, you might not want her around. I mean , what mom in their right mind would invite over a child that enjoys inflicting pain on other people? No mom says "oh, yes, that sounds like who I want my kid to play with!".
If I told had told you that we watch her like a hawk because she can and has acted out sexually, would you want her around your kids? You have to understand, I don't just miss our friendship. I miss your kids. I love your kids. And that is why I have to protect them from my daughter.
I know the world sees my daughter and believes that love can fix it all. I know she acts precious in front of you. But can you trust me that she has love poured into her everyday and she wants no part of it? Can you trust me that her sweet personality she shows you is all a part of her plan? She has no desire to connect with you or your kids. She cares no more about you than the person bagging our groceries. She charms you to get what she wants and then she moves on. Sometimes what she wants is just the high of knowing she deceived you into actually thinking she cared.
How do I know this????
She tells me.
I hope someday you can understand. It is not that I don't value our friendship. It is not that I don't miss you. It is not that I blame you. I just simply don't know how to make it work. I don't know how to live my life the same as I did before my daughter, because she changes everything.
So, until I figure it out, please know that I have not given up. I still want a friendship. I still dream of life being normal again. I understand this doesn't make sense to you. I don't expect it to, but can you trust me?
Monday, June 11, 2018
Sunday, June 3, 2018
RAD and all the PEE and POOP
I cannot tell you how many moms have asked me about their child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (from here on out referred to as RAD) and all the peeing and pooping that comes with it. Rather than continuing to share all this individually, I thought I might as well do a blog entry so everyone can read it. I do not have one magic trick that works, but I can tell you WHY they do it and give you all the tips I have.
I have 2 kids with this issue. One of them is 8 and the other 9. My 9 year old is 99.9% over this hurdle. My 8 year old is about 95%. Again, I do not have 1 magic trick, but we have come along way in our family in this area. I am happy to share our journey in hopes it makes a difference for you as well.
First, lets tackle the why. Easy...control. Control is what drives every RAD behavior. RAD kids associate control with safety. Since they only trust themselves they believe they need to be in control. As children, they can not be in control of very much, but they can be in control of 4 areas.
1. Effort: they can control how hard they work at school or any task. Nobody can MAKE them try harder.
2. Hoarding or refusing food
3. Bodily waste
4. Emotions: theirs and others
Now when they pee or poop on themselves, hide messed in clothing, play in it, or even refuse to go the bathroom, they have, simply put, proved that we, as parents, cannot control everything. And bonus for them is that most of the time they get to see us get upset which means they controlled our emotions (and time).
Do you see why this is such a common behavior in RAD children???????
So what do we do about it?
Below you will find a some situations we found ourselves in and what we did about it.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND. I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR THERAPIST. THIS IS WHAT WORKED FOR US. I AM NOT SAYING IT WILL WORK FOR YOU. I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU MUST DO THESE IDEAS.
We took both kids to doctors and had multiple tests done to make sure there was not ANY physical reason they were having these problem.
1. Wetting at night
Our daughter was wet every morning at 6 years old. Come to find out, it was all the meds the state had her on at the time of her adoption. We took her off meds, she stayed dry at night.
Our son wet every night. We started the normal chart to encourage staying dry. He was able to start staying dry right away (proof that we was able to stay dry). However, the chart went away and so did our dry mornings.
After some careful observations of of husband, he developed a theory. He said that Jack was wetting the bed in the morning because it got him 1 on 1 time before the others got up, a warm shower, and he was ready for school first so he got to play or watch TV.
So the next morning when he wet the bed, I had HIM take all the wet sheets off the bed and put them in the washer. He then had a less than warm shower and was sent back to bed, that now had no sheets on it. This was not as much fun. He tried it one more time and then gave up...for a while.
Although, the behavior did not go away forever, I did enjoy the break.
This continued off and on for 3 years with Jack. I am just going to list the consequences we did below, instead of typing out the story for each one. Basically, he would be dry for months and months and then wet the bed. Grace would be shown as all kids have accidents. He would wet again the next night. We would try a new reaction. He would test it by wetting again and we would stand firm. He would give up for 4 or 5 months and then try again. I believe we are done this time, but who really knows.
When he wet the bed he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS had to clean it up. ALWAYS. I would turn on the washer and dryer, but he did all the rest.
He always had a less then warm shower to clean up himself from the mess.
We used every ounce of self control we had to let him know that this behavior ONLY made his day worse. Mine would be continuing on as normal. When I see his bed is wet, I will say "Oh that's a bummer for you." and then I walk away. He does NOTHING until he is clean and his sheets are in the washer.
*if something is already in the washer, they sit on the bed until the washer is available. them cleaning up this mess MUST be the FIRST thing they do.
Another tactic was he had to sit in the laundry room until his sheets were done. We are talking 2-3 hours of boredom.
I am not a pull up supporter, in this case. If we had to buy some because of vacation, he bought them. Sometimes that meant he had to do a job to earn the money or sell me a toy. What finally did the trick (6 months ago) was the thought of him having to sell me his drone to buy himself diapers. He decided it wasn't worth THAT and he has been dry for 6 months. We are no longer even limiting drinks in the evening. He is CHOOSING to stay dry.
2. Day time "accidental" wetting
Kate never did this, Jack had a major struggle here. I cannot tell you how many times he peed on couches, laps, car seats, carpets, and amusement parks. Seriously so gross and so annoying. Jack seemed to have an never ending supply of urine. I took him to countless doctors and told them he had to have a problem. I told them no child should pee as much or often as he did.
What it came down to, for Jack, was that he didn't like the feeling of needing to go. He also didn't like stopping what he was doing 800 times a day to go. So for him, it came down to teaching him to be OK holding it. We went from peeing every 30 minutes for a few days to every hour for a few days to every hour and half and so on. Our goal was for him to feel comfortable only going before each meal and bedtime.
Once we got to that point, the accidents stopped altogether and we were able to not monitor it all anymore. He has not had a day time accident in about a year.
3. Day time "purposeful" wetting
Kate has escaped most of this blog entry, but right here is her part. She is textbook RAD and she would look right at me and pee if I told her no about anything. She would throw an enormous fit about cleaning it up. It was a lot of fun, as you can imagine.
What works for one child doesn't always work for another. This is especially true with RAD. The 2 things that worked with Kate were:
She had to clean up and GO RIGHT BACK TO WHAT WAS CAUSING THE PROBLEM. That means that if she was in the kitchen trowing a fit and peed, then after she cleaned up herself and the mess, she went right back to the conversation or situation that started it. It was making her see that peeing was LITERALLY changing nothing. This made the behavior stop for a while.
The other thing that worked for her (that Jack couldn't have cared less about) was she didn't get to change her clothes. My husband told her she got one pair of clothes for the day and if she wanted to pee in them, that was fine, but she didn't get new ones until bedtime. Because she was wet, she had to sit on a chair, in the hallway. She hated this. She has not wet her pants in 2 years.
4. Pooping
Kate pooped in her room and played in it twice. We didn't react. We didn't say it was gross. We didn't make her clean it up. (I cleaned it up when she wasn't around). It was a behavior I wanted no part of, and so we made her believe it didn't bother us, therefore , it was no longer fun.
She will, on occasion, not poop. When this happens, I just have her go try several times a day until she gets tired of it goes.
Again, this may not work for you, but hang in there. If you have specific question, feel free to contact me and explain your situation. I will see if I have any ideas for you.
Just remember to hold them accountable and most importantly, don't let them know it bothers YOU. It needs to ONLY bother THEM, if they are going to stop.
I have 2 kids with this issue. One of them is 8 and the other 9. My 9 year old is 99.9% over this hurdle. My 8 year old is about 95%. Again, I do not have 1 magic trick, but we have come along way in our family in this area. I am happy to share our journey in hopes it makes a difference for you as well.
First, lets tackle the why. Easy...control. Control is what drives every RAD behavior. RAD kids associate control with safety. Since they only trust themselves they believe they need to be in control. As children, they can not be in control of very much, but they can be in control of 4 areas.
1. Effort: they can control how hard they work at school or any task. Nobody can MAKE them try harder.
2. Hoarding or refusing food
3. Bodily waste
4. Emotions: theirs and others
Now when they pee or poop on themselves, hide messed in clothing, play in it, or even refuse to go the bathroom, they have, simply put, proved that we, as parents, cannot control everything. And bonus for them is that most of the time they get to see us get upset which means they controlled our emotions (and time).
Do you see why this is such a common behavior in RAD children???????
So what do we do about it?
Below you will find a some situations we found ourselves in and what we did about it.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND. I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR THERAPIST. THIS IS WHAT WORKED FOR US. I AM NOT SAYING IT WILL WORK FOR YOU. I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU MUST DO THESE IDEAS.
We took both kids to doctors and had multiple tests done to make sure there was not ANY physical reason they were having these problem.
1. Wetting at night
Our daughter was wet every morning at 6 years old. Come to find out, it was all the meds the state had her on at the time of her adoption. We took her off meds, she stayed dry at night.
Our son wet every night. We started the normal chart to encourage staying dry. He was able to start staying dry right away (proof that we was able to stay dry). However, the chart went away and so did our dry mornings.
After some careful observations of of husband, he developed a theory. He said that Jack was wetting the bed in the morning because it got him 1 on 1 time before the others got up, a warm shower, and he was ready for school first so he got to play or watch TV.
So the next morning when he wet the bed, I had HIM take all the wet sheets off the bed and put them in the washer. He then had a less than warm shower and was sent back to bed, that now had no sheets on it. This was not as much fun. He tried it one more time and then gave up...for a while.
Although, the behavior did not go away forever, I did enjoy the break.
This continued off and on for 3 years with Jack. I am just going to list the consequences we did below, instead of typing out the story for each one. Basically, he would be dry for months and months and then wet the bed. Grace would be shown as all kids have accidents. He would wet again the next night. We would try a new reaction. He would test it by wetting again and we would stand firm. He would give up for 4 or 5 months and then try again. I believe we are done this time, but who really knows.
When he wet the bed he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS had to clean it up. ALWAYS. I would turn on the washer and dryer, but he did all the rest.
He always had a less then warm shower to clean up himself from the mess.
We used every ounce of self control we had to let him know that this behavior ONLY made his day worse. Mine would be continuing on as normal. When I see his bed is wet, I will say "Oh that's a bummer for you." and then I walk away. He does NOTHING until he is clean and his sheets are in the washer.
*if something is already in the washer, they sit on the bed until the washer is available. them cleaning up this mess MUST be the FIRST thing they do.
Another tactic was he had to sit in the laundry room until his sheets were done. We are talking 2-3 hours of boredom.
I am not a pull up supporter, in this case. If we had to buy some because of vacation, he bought them. Sometimes that meant he had to do a job to earn the money or sell me a toy. What finally did the trick (6 months ago) was the thought of him having to sell me his drone to buy himself diapers. He decided it wasn't worth THAT and he has been dry for 6 months. We are no longer even limiting drinks in the evening. He is CHOOSING to stay dry.
2. Day time "accidental" wetting
Kate never did this, Jack had a major struggle here. I cannot tell you how many times he peed on couches, laps, car seats, carpets, and amusement parks. Seriously so gross and so annoying. Jack seemed to have an never ending supply of urine. I took him to countless doctors and told them he had to have a problem. I told them no child should pee as much or often as he did.
What it came down to, for Jack, was that he didn't like the feeling of needing to go. He also didn't like stopping what he was doing 800 times a day to go. So for him, it came down to teaching him to be OK holding it. We went from peeing every 30 minutes for a few days to every hour for a few days to every hour and half and so on. Our goal was for him to feel comfortable only going before each meal and bedtime.
Once we got to that point, the accidents stopped altogether and we were able to not monitor it all anymore. He has not had a day time accident in about a year.
3. Day time "purposeful" wetting
Kate has escaped most of this blog entry, but right here is her part. She is textbook RAD and she would look right at me and pee if I told her no about anything. She would throw an enormous fit about cleaning it up. It was a lot of fun, as you can imagine.
What works for one child doesn't always work for another. This is especially true with RAD. The 2 things that worked with Kate were:
She had to clean up and GO RIGHT BACK TO WHAT WAS CAUSING THE PROBLEM. That means that if she was in the kitchen trowing a fit and peed, then after she cleaned up herself and the mess, she went right back to the conversation or situation that started it. It was making her see that peeing was LITERALLY changing nothing. This made the behavior stop for a while.
The other thing that worked for her (that Jack couldn't have cared less about) was she didn't get to change her clothes. My husband told her she got one pair of clothes for the day and if she wanted to pee in them, that was fine, but she didn't get new ones until bedtime. Because she was wet, she had to sit on a chair, in the hallway. She hated this. She has not wet her pants in 2 years.
4. Pooping
Kate pooped in her room and played in it twice. We didn't react. We didn't say it was gross. We didn't make her clean it up. (I cleaned it up when she wasn't around). It was a behavior I wanted no part of, and so we made her believe it didn't bother us, therefore , it was no longer fun.
She will, on occasion, not poop. When this happens, I just have her go try several times a day until she gets tired of it goes.
Again, this may not work for you, but hang in there. If you have specific question, feel free to contact me and explain your situation. I will see if I have any ideas for you.
Just remember to hold them accountable and most importantly, don't let them know it bothers YOU. It needs to ONLY bother THEM, if they are going to stop.
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