Letter to my RAD

Dear Kate,
Here we are again.  Just you and me.  Home, while your dad and brothers are out having fun.  I wish I knew what you were thinking about .  I wish I could peek into your mind for just a minute.

You could be thinking that you succeeded in ruining the evening for me.  That brings you great satisfaction.  On more than one occasion  you have stated that you enjoy causing problems for me.  You say you like to fight with me, but when I ask what is it that you are fighting for...you don't know.  If you are sitting in your room feeling satisfied that you ruined my evening, please know, you did not.  You see, I am your mom.  That means that where you need me to be is where I am meant to be.

Or you could be thinking that you don't care that you aren't having fun because you don't like any of us anyway.  You tell yourself this lie so often that sometimes I think you start to believe it.  You are not fooling me.  I know you would rather be out having fun.  I also know your biggest fear is me  knowing that truth.  Sweet girl, I have known it for so long.  Nothing bad will happen if you admit you actually have fun with the family.  Someday I hope you have enough trust to at least be honest with yourself.

You could be thinking that you wish you were out having fun.  Maybe you are regretting your choice that caused us to stay home, again.  I wonder if you are thinking about the times you did allow yourself to have fun, to be a part of the family.  I wonder if those memories bring joy to your heart or fear.  Do those memories tempt you to try trusting again or do they encourage you to fight harder against it happening again?

Those memories of you make me weep.  As I type this I wonder if I will ever see you smile with no inhibition again.  I wonder if the days of seeing all my kids having fun together are gone.  My mind goes to holidays and I wonder if we will have an empty space at the table forever because you would rather be alone in your room than have to be kind and pleasant to family.  I think of  Christmas 2 and 3 years ago and I remember JOY in our family as we celebrated with each other.  Was that the last time Christmas will be that way?

What happened?  What caused you to go from difficult to impossible?  What can I do to bring you back to happiness?  Are you content to live your entire life alone?  I want so much more for you.

So while I don't know what you are thinking, let me tell you what I am thinking.

Kate, I love you in a way I cannot explain and you cannot understand.  I get tired and I get frustrated and I mess up.  But I will never give up.  You fight with everything in you to push me away.  I will fight harder.  You say absolutely awful words to me.  But they do not change me.  I am too strong and smart to believe your words therefore they will not change me or my effort.  So keep fighting, little lady.  Fight me everyday.  Make me prove myself everyday for as long as it takes.

Someday you will believe that you are safe, loved, and wanted.

And I will be there that day...and every day until then.