My mom shared with me that my siblings had spoke to her about me...about my family...about my daughter. They stated that they don't understand why we are not at family functions any more and when we do actually come, it is usually just me and my sons. I leave my daughter at home with my husband. My siblings admitted that my daughter, Kate, has come a couple times to a family event, but I had instructed her to sit at the table and color instead of going off playing.
That was unfair of me, they said.
They are confused. They complain that Kate doesn't even know them. They say I am being unrealistic in my expectations and my consequences seem to harsh. They are confidant that if I would just try this or that Kate would do better. They know that with enough love, Kate would be just fine.
They say they just want to help. They want to support us. They want to love on us.
Yet it seems that really all that is happening is they are judging us. Not to be mean or rude. I really do believe their intentions are good, but the follow through doesn't quite happen.
So to my family:
Let's get honest. It isn't going to be fast and it sure isn't going to be pretty, but nothing with RAD is.
RAD does that. It takes something beautiful like family and turns it upside down and inside out and makes it super ugly with bruises and black eyes. Then it hands it back to you, unrecognizable, and you have to figure out how to heal it...or accept it as the new normal.
RAD HURTS EVERYONE and RAD CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Imagine with me that:
Maybe, just maybe, we didn't come to the birthday celebration because Kate could not handle the day not being about her. Maybe we knew she would ruin you child's party so we kept her from it...because we felt like your kid deserved to have the day be about them.
Maybe, just maybe, we stayed home and celebrated July 4th alone so that Kate could go to bed and Jack and Sam could stay up for fireworks without having to leave early when Kate couldn't handle her sleepiness.
Maybe, just maybe, we didn't come around for Mother's Day or Father's Day because those days are triggers for Kate and she had already verbalized her plans of how to ruin them for us. Maybe Mother's Day at home in peace was what I wanted instead of "celebrating" with a tantrum out in public.
Maybe, just maybe, we came over for Thanksgiving late because we had been in a physical battle all day with Kate and needed to make sure she was calm enough to be safe around others.
Maybe, just maybe, Kate stayed home with a parent on Christmas evening because she was screaming, yelling, and throwing things around when it was time to come over. Maybe, just maybe, we decided that she was clearly over stimulated from the day time festivities and she needed to have some peace and quiet for her own safety and ours...and yours.
Maybe, just maybe, we have Kate sit and color at the table instead of going and playing with other kids because we have seen her aggression and want to keep your kids safe.
Maybe, just maybe, all the things you view as harsh and strict and unrealistic are actually done because of our love for Kate...and you.
Maybe, just maybe, loving a child with RAD looks different than loving a child without RAD. Not loving less, loving different. You have to understand, Kate does not want to be loved. She fights it with every ounce of strength she has. She doesn't understand love. In normal kids , you show them you love them and so you will keep them safe. It is backwards for Kate. We have to prove to her she is safe because she is loved. She can understand safe. We have to use that to teach her about love.
Maybe, just maybe, the hours of classes and meetings we were required to take actually taught us a thing or two about RAD that you don't know.
Maybe, just maybe, the trained professional's opinion holds more weight in our parenting strategy than yours does.
Maybe, just maybe, the hundreds of days we have spent with her makes us know her and understand her a little better than you do.
And maybe, just maybe, if you really want to help us and support us and love on us, you first need to trust us.
We love you guys and we miss you too. We would love nothing more than for Kate to be OK and us attend all family affairs with no hint of RAD, but that is not where we are. RAD is real. And at it's core, RAD goes against everything that is family. Family is love and love is RAD's enemy.
You don't have to understand RAD to make this work, but you do have to trust that we understand it.
Well said! Sorry your family doesn't get it. This is such a lonely journey.
ReplyDeleteWell said, blessings to your family.
ReplyDelete