My daughter, Kate, had 16 placements before she became a part of our family. It is no wonder she struggles to believe us when we say she is staying here forever. I don't believe she fully understands what forever even means.
With our son, Jack, he could comprehend the idea of forever. In fact, although he was younger than Kate, he often asked about if he would live with us forever. He was placed with us as a foster child, unavailable for adoption. He wanted us to adopt him and we wanted to adopt him, but the state was taking their time deciding "what was in his best interest". Jack was 5 when he asked me all the time if he could live with us forever. His question is actually where the name of my blog came from.
He would say "Can I stay all the days with you?". It was his little way of talking about forever.
However, Kate was/is much different. Kate doesn't talk about forever. I remember the following conversation take place about 6 months after she came:
Kate: Can I wear deodorant?
Me: You don't need that yet. Maybe when you about 9 you can wear it
Kate: Will you tell my next mom that I can wear it when I am 9?
That question just pierced my heart. But what made it worse was how nonchalantly she said it. It didn't matter that I had told her countless times that she was staying forever. The thought of forever was/is just not something that ever entered her mind.
I sat her down again and told her that she would not have another mom. I told her that I would always be her mom. I told her she was not going to ever go live in another family. I told her everything I had told her a hundred times before. And her response was the same as always..." OK".
Fast forward almost 2 years. Kate will say the words "forever", "adoption", and "staying", but she does not believe them. However, the other word she does not believe is "Love". She doesn't believe it because she does not understand it. We tell her we love her and she says it back, but they are just words to her.
I was struggling with this a couple months ago. I was having a hard time understanding what it must be like to not believe in or even understand "love". She was in a fit of rage and was saying to me "you don't love me! You hate me! I hate you! I wish I didn't even know you!" and all the other phrases she screams when she is like this.
I calmly would reassure her that I did love her. I told her I was glad I knew her. All of this "conversation" was going on while she was hitting, kicking, and throwing things. As I watched her every move to keep us both safe, I was searching for something new to say. Was there anything that might help her feel security in me and my feelings towards her?
I started talking, over them screaming, about the toys at a store. I talked about all the toys that catch her eye. This was a new and unexpected topic during a fit and she was intrigued. She began to calm slightly. I continued my talk, taking a very long time and speaking in great detail about each toy because it was taking her attention off her fit.
When she was no longer hitting and screaming, I asked her what toy she wanted the most. She immediately zoned in, probably because she was hoping we would go buy it. After she told me the toy, we talked and talked about it. I made it sound so good to her. She was so excited about this toy.
I finally said, "why did you pick that toy?'. She replied, " because I want it.".
I told her that "love" and "want" are not the same, but that since she was still learning about "love", we were going to talk about "want". I explained that I "wanted" her. This excited her. She had never thought about it like that.
From that day on, instead of saying "I Love You" to her, I say "I Love You and I Want You".
This always makes her smile and I believe it means more to her than "I Love You" ever did because she understands the feelings that come with "wanting".
Friday, September 22, 2017
What It Is Like Being the Sibling to a RAD By a Sibling
BEING A
BIG BRO
BY SAM WILLIAMS (Lynne’s oldest son)
I am Sam Williams and I am going
to let you know what it is like to give love to a little girl who does not
return it. When we adopted Kate she was not what I thought she would be like,
but I loved her anyways. She threw fits
constantly and was mean to our little brother, Jack. And after 2 years, she
still is. I have always wondered why she does it.
She does not understand what love
is and it is hard to explain to her that she will stay with us and that we love
her with all our hearts. But I don’t blame
her. If I had been moved out of homes 17 times in six years, I would be scared too.
It is hard to explain why she does what she does, especially when I don’t
understand it myself. All I know is I will always love her, even when she does
not return it.
Sometimes it gets really hard.
Everyone is having fun and then she strikes.
It’s hard to walk through a grocery store with her ramming the buggy into
people while she is throwing a fit. And
it isn’t any fun when a grandparent comes to baby sit and she purposely does
something, but doesn’t get caught and then she gives me a look. Even though she
constantly is in my hair, I always love her.
I’ve been her brother for two
whole years and it is always a game. She
acts all sweet and then strikes. Or she will see how many people she can get to look
at her in the grocery store or if she can embarrass us enough that we will give
her what she wants. But she does not really even want the things she may find
at the store she chooses to throw a fit about. She wants love and that’s what we should give her.
God said that we should love our neighbor even
when they don’t deserve it. If I love
her the way God loves me then maybe someday she will learn to love too.
So my advice to other siblings or
parents of RAD kids, just love them as much as you can and someday they might learn
to love in return.
SAM
Friday, September 1, 2017
Proverbs 31 Encouragement for Overwhelmed Moms
Do ever think that Proverbs 31 was written just to make you feel worse about yourself? Sometimes when I read it, I feel like it was the 1st written form of Mommy Shaming.
Stay with me here.
I think this Proverbs 31 woman has to be the most amazing woman ever! And I would love to sit down with her and find out all her secrets. Because, let me tell you...I am not her. And I can feel instantly defeated when I read about her.
So why would God include such a passage in a book that is read so often? Does He support this idea of constantly feeling inadequate? Surely not...or maybe He does.
Again, stay with me.
Today has not been the best day. Today looked much more like a Proverbs 32 family. (This is the name I have given it when the mom wants to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but the children are not cooperating.)
Now, I'm about to get SUPER honest and transparent here. I make it a habit to not share my kids dirty laundry on social media, but I am going to make an exception today. Normally I will reference "hard days" or "bad patterns" or "temper tantrums" , but I leave the ugly details out. But today, I really feel like God has asked me to share and so I am going to trust Him with the details.
My daughter has been struggling for a month. Struggling bad. This has been the hardest month with her in the 2 years she has been ours. I'm not sharing details about the whole month; I am telling you this because I want you to know that we have been in Proverbs 32 mode for a while...not just today.
We got up this morning and began fighting the daily battles that have been going on for a month now. Two hours later, we are finally ready to start school.
We began with our quiet time and devotion. I read Proverbs 31. Why? Why did I do that to myself? I know what that chapter says. Why would I set myself up for that kind shaming today?
I went ahead and read it. I set goals. I chose 3 verses I was going to strive to be like. The first verse was #26.
"She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue."
Beautiful, isn't it? I decided that I was going to speak with wisdom to my children and always have faithful instruction ready to pour over them as i teach and lead them. This day was clearly going to be a success and I would probably have my husband and children "rise and call me blessed" by dinner time!
Exactly 1 hour later I found myself cleaning one of my children's urine off the waiting room floor as another one of my children was screaming and yelling at a different adult.
Twenty minutes after that, I found myself at the library restraining my 8 year old, waiting for my 7 year old to get out of the bathroom, while my 11 year old was checking his books out.
An eternity later (ok it was only like 3 minutes) I found myself now fully carrying my 8 year old through the quiet library as she is hitting me, kicking, spitting, and screaming I was hurting her.
Now with the 7 year old out of the restroom, we headed to the door. However, the computer check out was not working. I was standing with the younger 2 in between the glass doors in an effort to muffle her screaming. My independent 11 year looks at me panicked because the computer won't work and he sees I will be of no help.
Now this kid is amazing, but his most dreaded thing (besides heights) is having to talk to and explain something he doesn't understand to somebody he doesn't know. He hates being put on the spot to talk. He was ready to put the books up and leave rather than go ask for help.
I saw the dread on his face when a librarian came up to help him. But he spoke up, explained the problem, and came out with his books. He did it.
When he caught up with us, we headed the rest of the way to the car. I was still carrying my 8 year old who was thrashing about and yelling everything she could think of to yell. I put her in the car and as I walked around to my side I wondered how we went from a Proverbs 31 family to a Proverbs 32 family so quickly.
When we got home, I handled more fits from the 8 year old and dealt with all the wet clothes and booster seat from the 7 year old. I gave all 3 kids lunch and had the younger 2 lay down so I could catch a breath from our eventful adventure.
So here I am just 5 hours after I detirmined myself to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Here I am about 3 hours from my goal of them rising and calling me "blessed", lol. I don't see that happening.
Which brings me back to my original question of why God would put a passage in the Bible that would bring about feelings of failure...everyday.
I think I have an answer or at least a way that brings peace to my soul.
Our verse for this week at school is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." We talked last night about situations or tasks God has set before us and helped us overcome through His strength.
Then this morning, my son shared about David and Goliath. We talked about Goliaths in our lives and how God could help us overcome them.
However, it wasn't until 5 hours later all of this started coming together for me. Are you starting to see it?
Why did it seem so easy for me to be the Proverbs 31 woman this morning in my quiet time? How could I feel so confident that I could "laugh at the days ahead"?
This morning as I was reading God's word, I was focused on Him. When I was at the library, I was focused on...well everything except Him.
I was worried about my son having to explain the broken computer to someone when I know how nervous that makes him. (I realize that seems very trivial to most, but it is a big deal to him. He is such a good kid and does anything you ask of him. He is smart and kind. But, he has an actual diagnosed processing disorder. This causes him to stammer when he is nervous. To compensate, he pauses to try and get his words put together. When people don't know this, they don't wait through the pause and start talking to him as if he doesn't understand what they are saying. This makes the stammering worse which makes the pauses longer.) You can see why I hated it that his sister's irrational behavior was forcing him into this situation.
I was thinking about my 7 year old that had peed all over the town and it had bothered everyone except him. I was wondering if we were going to have another issue before we made the 40 minute drive home.
I was focusing on my 8 year old and her desperate attempt to prove to me in yet another public place that she was indeed in charge.
I was watching the faces of every stranger as they wittnessed a child being restrained and then carried out of the library. I wondered what they thought as they heard "You're hurting me! You're hurting me!". Would they take her word for it or would they actually look and see that I wasn't hurting her at all. Would they realize that me carrying her was the best way to keep her safe?
Even thinking about all that, my mind couldn't ignore my fatigue, both physically and mentally. It takes a lot to wrestle with such a strong kid for that long, in public. It takes a lot of mental strength to stay calm and under control when every part of you wants to scream and yell and throw a big fit too!
I was focused on everything going wrong, instead of seeing God there with me.
Somehow, my 11 year old got through that hard situation. God whispered to me this afternoon that it was from years of " instruction being on my tongue". How many times through the years have I coached him through conversations? How many times has he seen me ask for help when I couldn't figure something out?
Somehow my 7 year old went from wetting his pants constantly to now it being a very rare occurrence. Perhaps it was because every time he has tried this particular battle, he has lost. Maybe he is understanding that I "watch over the affairs of my home" and he sees this trick for control doesn't work.
And my daughter. I know life with her may never get better. I know she is going to be a spit fire sun up to sun down...and I still love her with a passion I cant explain. Maybe that is what it means when it says "she laughs at the days to come.".
So after all my pondering of my truly never ending, never got any better day, I am left with this thought-
Maybe, just maybe, the proverbs 31 woman is each one of us that is putting in our best effort everyday and trusting God with the rest.
It says the Proverbs 31 woman rose early. It doesn't say it was easy for her. It says she did it.
Maybe she struggled too. But she kept at it. Maybe she had failures, but she learned from them and did better the next time.
Maybe she got up early and stayed up late because her kids were so naughty she couldn't get anything done while they were up.
Ok. Maybe that one is a stretch.
Maybe she figured out that her family would always be a Proverbs 32 family if she tried to do on her strength instead of knowing she NEEDED God.
Maybe that's what it means when it says "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
So all that to say, if you are NOT putting your best foot forward to be the mom and wife you are called to be then you are NOT who I am talking about.
But, if you are working day and night molding your kids heart, if you are setting the example that needs to be set to point them to God, if you are using your time and energy to provide for your kids physically and spirituality, and you are doing it the best you can and trusting God with your imperfections...then I believe YOU are a Proverbs 31 woman...even on Proverbs 32 days.
Stay with me here.
I think this Proverbs 31 woman has to be the most amazing woman ever! And I would love to sit down with her and find out all her secrets. Because, let me tell you...I am not her. And I can feel instantly defeated when I read about her.
So why would God include such a passage in a book that is read so often? Does He support this idea of constantly feeling inadequate? Surely not...or maybe He does.
Again, stay with me.
Today has not been the best day. Today looked much more like a Proverbs 32 family. (This is the name I have given it when the mom wants to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but the children are not cooperating.)
Now, I'm about to get SUPER honest and transparent here. I make it a habit to not share my kids dirty laundry on social media, but I am going to make an exception today. Normally I will reference "hard days" or "bad patterns" or "temper tantrums" , but I leave the ugly details out. But today, I really feel like God has asked me to share and so I am going to trust Him with the details.
My daughter has been struggling for a month. Struggling bad. This has been the hardest month with her in the 2 years she has been ours. I'm not sharing details about the whole month; I am telling you this because I want you to know that we have been in Proverbs 32 mode for a while...not just today.
We got up this morning and began fighting the daily battles that have been going on for a month now. Two hours later, we are finally ready to start school.
We began with our quiet time and devotion. I read Proverbs 31. Why? Why did I do that to myself? I know what that chapter says. Why would I set myself up for that kind shaming today?
I went ahead and read it. I set goals. I chose 3 verses I was going to strive to be like. The first verse was #26.
"She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue."
Beautiful, isn't it? I decided that I was going to speak with wisdom to my children and always have faithful instruction ready to pour over them as i teach and lead them. This day was clearly going to be a success and I would probably have my husband and children "rise and call me blessed" by dinner time!
Exactly 1 hour later I found myself cleaning one of my children's urine off the waiting room floor as another one of my children was screaming and yelling at a different adult.
Twenty minutes after that, I found myself at the library restraining my 8 year old, waiting for my 7 year old to get out of the bathroom, while my 11 year old was checking his books out.
An eternity later (ok it was only like 3 minutes) I found myself now fully carrying my 8 year old through the quiet library as she is hitting me, kicking, spitting, and screaming I was hurting her.
Now with the 7 year old out of the restroom, we headed to the door. However, the computer check out was not working. I was standing with the younger 2 in between the glass doors in an effort to muffle her screaming. My independent 11 year looks at me panicked because the computer won't work and he sees I will be of no help.
Now this kid is amazing, but his most dreaded thing (besides heights) is having to talk to and explain something he doesn't understand to somebody he doesn't know. He hates being put on the spot to talk. He was ready to put the books up and leave rather than go ask for help.
I saw the dread on his face when a librarian came up to help him. But he spoke up, explained the problem, and came out with his books. He did it.
When he caught up with us, we headed the rest of the way to the car. I was still carrying my 8 year old who was thrashing about and yelling everything she could think of to yell. I put her in the car and as I walked around to my side I wondered how we went from a Proverbs 31 family to a Proverbs 32 family so quickly.
When we got home, I handled more fits from the 8 year old and dealt with all the wet clothes and booster seat from the 7 year old. I gave all 3 kids lunch and had the younger 2 lay down so I could catch a breath from our eventful adventure.
So here I am just 5 hours after I detirmined myself to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Here I am about 3 hours from my goal of them rising and calling me "blessed", lol. I don't see that happening.
Which brings me back to my original question of why God would put a passage in the Bible that would bring about feelings of failure...everyday.
I think I have an answer or at least a way that brings peace to my soul.
Our verse for this week at school is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." We talked last night about situations or tasks God has set before us and helped us overcome through His strength.
Then this morning, my son shared about David and Goliath. We talked about Goliaths in our lives and how God could help us overcome them.
However, it wasn't until 5 hours later all of this started coming together for me. Are you starting to see it?
Why did it seem so easy for me to be the Proverbs 31 woman this morning in my quiet time? How could I feel so confident that I could "laugh at the days ahead"?
This morning as I was reading God's word, I was focused on Him. When I was at the library, I was focused on...well everything except Him.
I was worried about my son having to explain the broken computer to someone when I know how nervous that makes him. (I realize that seems very trivial to most, but it is a big deal to him. He is such a good kid and does anything you ask of him. He is smart and kind. But, he has an actual diagnosed processing disorder. This causes him to stammer when he is nervous. To compensate, he pauses to try and get his words put together. When people don't know this, they don't wait through the pause and start talking to him as if he doesn't understand what they are saying. This makes the stammering worse which makes the pauses longer.) You can see why I hated it that his sister's irrational behavior was forcing him into this situation.
I was thinking about my 7 year old that had peed all over the town and it had bothered everyone except him. I was wondering if we were going to have another issue before we made the 40 minute drive home.
I was focusing on my 8 year old and her desperate attempt to prove to me in yet another public place that she was indeed in charge.
I was watching the faces of every stranger as they wittnessed a child being restrained and then carried out of the library. I wondered what they thought as they heard "You're hurting me! You're hurting me!". Would they take her word for it or would they actually look and see that I wasn't hurting her at all. Would they realize that me carrying her was the best way to keep her safe?
Even thinking about all that, my mind couldn't ignore my fatigue, both physically and mentally. It takes a lot to wrestle with such a strong kid for that long, in public. It takes a lot of mental strength to stay calm and under control when every part of you wants to scream and yell and throw a big fit too!
I was focused on everything going wrong, instead of seeing God there with me.
Somehow, my 11 year old got through that hard situation. God whispered to me this afternoon that it was from years of " instruction being on my tongue". How many times through the years have I coached him through conversations? How many times has he seen me ask for help when I couldn't figure something out?
Somehow my 7 year old went from wetting his pants constantly to now it being a very rare occurrence. Perhaps it was because every time he has tried this particular battle, he has lost. Maybe he is understanding that I "watch over the affairs of my home" and he sees this trick for control doesn't work.
And my daughter. I know life with her may never get better. I know she is going to be a spit fire sun up to sun down...and I still love her with a passion I cant explain. Maybe that is what it means when it says "she laughs at the days to come.".
So after all my pondering of my truly never ending, never got any better day, I am left with this thought-
Maybe, just maybe, the proverbs 31 woman is each one of us that is putting in our best effort everyday and trusting God with the rest.
It says the Proverbs 31 woman rose early. It doesn't say it was easy for her. It says she did it.
Maybe she struggled too. But she kept at it. Maybe she had failures, but she learned from them and did better the next time.
Maybe she got up early and stayed up late because her kids were so naughty she couldn't get anything done while they were up.
Ok. Maybe that one is a stretch.
Maybe she figured out that her family would always be a Proverbs 32 family if she tried to do on her strength instead of knowing she NEEDED God.
Maybe that's what it means when it says "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
So all that to say, if you are NOT putting your best foot forward to be the mom and wife you are called to be then you are NOT who I am talking about.
But, if you are working day and night molding your kids heart, if you are setting the example that needs to be set to point them to God, if you are using your time and energy to provide for your kids physically and spirituality, and you are doing it the best you can and trusting God with your imperfections...then I believe YOU are a Proverbs 31 woman...even on Proverbs 32 days.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Creative RAD Consequence # 222 Habitual Behavior
I know my husband and I feel like we are working as hard as we can everyday to help our RAD kids learn that life is so much better with good choices and kindness. I know we also feel like we are getting nowhere. One day I was trying to explain to our son, Jack, how if he continues acting the same way, he can expect the same result...consequences for those choices.
This conversation is like talking to brick wall. One day I had an idea of how to approach it differently . Jack is our physical kid. He is always on the go and I thought maybe I could use that to my advantage. I took him in the bathroom and placed about 2 TBSP of Crisco on his hand. I asked him to rub it in like soap all over his hands. I then turned on the water and told him he could go play as soon as all the Crisco was off his hands. He smiled and said "ok".
However, about 30 seconds later he wasn't smiling anymore. After he had scrubbed and scrubbed, he was no closer to getting his hands clean. This became quite frustrating to him.
After a few minutes, I went in and talked to him about how frustrating it was keep working and trying to get his hands clean, but they were still dirty. I told him that his dad and I feel this way sometimes too. We do everything we can to teach him and show him how to make his life easier and happier, yet he doesn't change.
I then asked him what he was doing to try and get his hand clean. He said "rubbing them under the water". I asked what he did when he saw that they weren't getting clean. He said "I rubbed them under the water again". This same dialogue kept repeating itself for a few minutes.
Finally, I said, "Do you think that maybe you need to try something different?" He said yes and so I gave him some dish soap and told him to rub that on his hands under the water. The Crisco started to come off. After about 30 seconds, his hands were clean.
We took this example and talked about how if he continues to make the same choice to break rules, he will continue to find himself in trouble. We talked about how if he wanted to change so he wasn't in trouble all the time, he would need to change how he was acting.
We continue to use this as a tool. Sometimes we just talk about the experience, but other times we put Crisco on and do it all again.
This conversation is like talking to brick wall. One day I had an idea of how to approach it differently . Jack is our physical kid. He is always on the go and I thought maybe I could use that to my advantage. I took him in the bathroom and placed about 2 TBSP of Crisco on his hand. I asked him to rub it in like soap all over his hands. I then turned on the water and told him he could go play as soon as all the Crisco was off his hands. He smiled and said "ok".
However, about 30 seconds later he wasn't smiling anymore. After he had scrubbed and scrubbed, he was no closer to getting his hands clean. This became quite frustrating to him.
After a few minutes, I went in and talked to him about how frustrating it was keep working and trying to get his hands clean, but they were still dirty. I told him that his dad and I feel this way sometimes too. We do everything we can to teach him and show him how to make his life easier and happier, yet he doesn't change.
I then asked him what he was doing to try and get his hand clean. He said "rubbing them under the water". I asked what he did when he saw that they weren't getting clean. He said "I rubbed them under the water again". This same dialogue kept repeating itself for a few minutes.
Finally, I said, "Do you think that maybe you need to try something different?" He said yes and so I gave him some dish soap and told him to rub that on his hands under the water. The Crisco started to come off. After about 30 seconds, his hands were clean.
We took this example and talked about how if he continues to make the same choice to break rules, he will continue to find himself in trouble. We talked about how if he wanted to change so he wasn't in trouble all the time, he would need to change how he was acting.
We continue to use this as a tool. Sometimes we just talk about the experience, but other times we put Crisco on and do it all again.
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Our Journey to Understand Reactive Attachment Disorder
"She can't manage to keep a placement."
"She has needed to be restrained in the ER multiple times before they can get medication to sedate her."
"She hits her caregivers. As well as spits, kicks, and runs away."
"She needs to be hospitalized in Psych Hospitals for weeks at a time."
"She has no physical boundaries and acts out."
"She screams and yells obscenities daily."
"Are you sure you want to get involved in this? Do you understand what taking in a child like this will mean? Do you realize how this will affect your home? Do you really understand that even if you do everything right by her, she may never change? It is possible and likely that she will never show "love" in return?"
"You still want to proceed with this placement? Why? Why do you want this child?"
I am still not sure how to answer that question. Let me take you back to the very beginning.
My husband, Clint, and I had always said we would adopt...someday. We were very content at the time with our biological son, Sam. However, one day a little girl's story came charging into our hearts. We knew immediately that she was meant to be ours.
Her name was Kate. She was an adorable 4 year old with an mischievous grin. She also had a story. Her story included 17 placements and behavior nobody quite knew what to do with. She had been in some of the top homes and facilities and she was unable to ever "settle".
We were newbies in the foster care circuit, but I think that possibly served us well when it came to Kate's placement with us. We were not accustomed to all the ins and outs of foster care and state services. We headed in to this with one tool. We believed that God had brought Kate into our lives and we were simply trusting Him to equip us to handle her. However, answering every one of the state's questions with "well, we are just trusting God to help us" didn't really sit well with the state.
Anyway, they placed her in our home because, honestly, nobody else was willing to take her.
We jumped in with both feet. We treated her like a normal child although she was nothing like one. We set rules and expected her to follow them. She didn't. We took her to meet people and expected her to care. She didn't. We planned fun activities and expected her to enjoy them. She didn't. In fact, the only thing she did that we expected was act out. But we didn't expect it to be all the time.
I am not exaggerating. Kate was in battle mode from sun up to sun down. Every single task set before her she viewed as opportunity to prove she was in control. And because of how powerful her behavior was, she was in control much of the time.
This went on for months. She had an alarm on her bedroom door. That alarm going off in the morning was our call to battle. That alarm meant that rest was over and all soldiers were to be ready for war. Kate met each morning with new ideas of how to sabotage everything going on that day. She lived for the adrenaline rush of upsetting or hurting somebody.
After several months of just surviving, we knew we needed to shake things up. Her adoption had become final and so she was officially ours. We could handle her the way we thought was best, instead of how the policy and procedures of the state said to do it. The first change we made was to homeschool her. The second change was to send her to a therapist of our choosing.
The therapist explained Reactive Attachment Disorder to us different than the state ever had. This therapist described Kate to us perfectly. We knew she was on to something and we changed how we did everything. She explained to us that RAD kids don't seek to sabotage everything. They seek to control everything. They don't seek to control everything for the reasons you or I might. Instead they seek control to be safe. They trust nobody except themselves and therefore only feel safe when they are in control.
This made perfect sense. We decided that since her behavior would not change until she trusted us, at least some, that we would conquer that first.
In our family, that looked like her never leaving us and we didn't leave her. We homeschooled, we accompanied her to her class at church, and we didn't let people (even grandparents) babysit her. We shifted our focus and conversation from her behavior to our response. We talked constantly about how we cared for her and kept her safe. We were always pointing out obvious ways of doing this. Some examples are :
"Kate, I am happy to hold your hand in the parking lot. It is another way I keep you safe."
"Kate, I love making dinner for you. It is another way I can show you love."
"Kate, I enjoy reading this book with you. It is another way I can teach you."
All of these may seem ridiculous to you, as they did us. But she needed someone to point these out to her. She did not recognize love in any form. Who can blame her? Had she ever even seen real love?
This was our focus for quite sometime before we added addressing her behavior. (Please note 2 things. 1) We ADDED addressing her behavior. We didn't stop constantly being with her or constantly pointing out ways we were keeping her safe. She still didn't trust us. We had just given her some ideas of what being protected looked like. It was our hope she would start to recognize this on her own. 2) Although her behavior had not been our focus, we had not been ignoring it. There was always a consequence for bad choices.)
We learned from our therapist that RAD kids need to be surprised by their consequences. Let me explain. We bought Kate a set of Disney princesses and made her a chart to earn them. Every waking hour she managed to stay out of (significant) trouble, her clip moved up the chart. When she hit 30 hours, she got to pick out a princess. (The few of you that are thinking that 30 hours is too easy have clearly never been around a child like this. I encourage you to keep reading and hold judgment.) We told her counselor how sometimes she worked her way right up the chart, while other times it would take days and days to manage to move at all.
Her therapist pointed out that although WE had set the rules of the chart, KATE was still in control. A normal child does better knowing what their consequences will be. That knowledge helps keep them in line, so to speak. A child like Kate, views it very differently. When she knows what the consequence will be she simply weighs out her options. She thinks "I am going to be home and would like a new princess so I am going to stay out of trouble." But she also thinks "Mom says we are going to grandma's. She has toys there so I don't need this princess so I can act however I want." She even will go so far to think "Mom wants me to be good to earn a princess. I want a princess, but that would mean I did what mom wanted. That means Mom won. I am not safe if Mom wins so even though I want the princess, I have to act out so Mom doesn't think she won." I understand I am paraphrasing, but that was her actual thought process.
We took the therapist's advice and took down the chart. We started surprising her with consequences that made no sense with the behavior. This made her start thinking twice before she did things...which by default gave us control. Slowly, overtime, we saw a shift in her behavior...with us...only at home.
As soon as we went out of the house, we were back to square one with behavior. While this was extremely frustrating, it caused us to see that we had made definite progress at claiming back our home and our authority in it. This gave us the strength and determination to keep going. We continued working on this at home as often as we could. If there was ANY challenging behavior, we changed plans and one of us stayed home with her. But because it was important that she not see that as a way to control our plans, we didn't ever tell her any plans ahead of time. By doing this we also took away her time to plan how she would sabotage the outing. This was a game changer for us. It was a simple, obvious way we were in control that she couldn't take.
She would ask, beg, and plead to know where we were going or what the plan was for the day. Our response was "Can you trust us to take care of you". She was never sure if we were going to the zoo or the grocery store so she was careful to mind her behavior. Again, this worked wonders for us because it forced her to accept we were the ones in control.
The only times we ever let her know that her behavior had changed the plans was when her behavior caused her to miss out on something SHE wanted to do. But we still kept it a "secret" from her until the last minute.
For example, we were planning on going to friends house for the evening, but she had had a rough day with making choices. When it was time for us to walk out the door, we would say, "Kate, we had planned on all of us going to our friend's house tonight to play. But you showed me today by your choices that you can't handle that this evening. Dad is going to take your brothers and go, but I am going to stay home with you and keep you safe. I hope next time we will be able to go together." Then Clint would make a quick departure so Kate would not think that a fit would have a chance at changing the consequence.
This was the beginning of how we learned to deal with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Our daughter has come along way in the last few years, but it is still very much a part of our everyday life.
This is my first entry on this topic and I plan to do more. I am not a doctor or a therapist, nor am I saying that you should do what we are doing. I am simply sharing our story and what has worked for us. I hope that you can take my words and be encouraged on your journey.
Please feel free to leave a comment or question or let me know if there is a specific topic you would like me to share my thoughts or experience on.
"She has needed to be restrained in the ER multiple times before they can get medication to sedate her."
"She hits her caregivers. As well as spits, kicks, and runs away."
"She needs to be hospitalized in Psych Hospitals for weeks at a time."
"She has no physical boundaries and acts out."
"She screams and yells obscenities daily."
"Are you sure you want to get involved in this? Do you understand what taking in a child like this will mean? Do you realize how this will affect your home? Do you really understand that even if you do everything right by her, she may never change? It is possible and likely that she will never show "love" in return?"
"You still want to proceed with this placement? Why? Why do you want this child?"
I am still not sure how to answer that question. Let me take you back to the very beginning.
My husband, Clint, and I had always said we would adopt...someday. We were very content at the time with our biological son, Sam. However, one day a little girl's story came charging into our hearts. We knew immediately that she was meant to be ours.
Her name was Kate. She was an adorable 4 year old with an mischievous grin. She also had a story. Her story included 17 placements and behavior nobody quite knew what to do with. She had been in some of the top homes and facilities and she was unable to ever "settle".
We were newbies in the foster care circuit, but I think that possibly served us well when it came to Kate's placement with us. We were not accustomed to all the ins and outs of foster care and state services. We headed in to this with one tool. We believed that God had brought Kate into our lives and we were simply trusting Him to equip us to handle her. However, answering every one of the state's questions with "well, we are just trusting God to help us" didn't really sit well with the state.
Anyway, they placed her in our home because, honestly, nobody else was willing to take her.
We jumped in with both feet. We treated her like a normal child although she was nothing like one. We set rules and expected her to follow them. She didn't. We took her to meet people and expected her to care. She didn't. We planned fun activities and expected her to enjoy them. She didn't. In fact, the only thing she did that we expected was act out. But we didn't expect it to be all the time.
I am not exaggerating. Kate was in battle mode from sun up to sun down. Every single task set before her she viewed as opportunity to prove she was in control. And because of how powerful her behavior was, she was in control much of the time.
This went on for months. She had an alarm on her bedroom door. That alarm going off in the morning was our call to battle. That alarm meant that rest was over and all soldiers were to be ready for war. Kate met each morning with new ideas of how to sabotage everything going on that day. She lived for the adrenaline rush of upsetting or hurting somebody.
After several months of just surviving, we knew we needed to shake things up. Her adoption had become final and so she was officially ours. We could handle her the way we thought was best, instead of how the policy and procedures of the state said to do it. The first change we made was to homeschool her. The second change was to send her to a therapist of our choosing.
The therapist explained Reactive Attachment Disorder to us different than the state ever had. This therapist described Kate to us perfectly. We knew she was on to something and we changed how we did everything. She explained to us that RAD kids don't seek to sabotage everything. They seek to control everything. They don't seek to control everything for the reasons you or I might. Instead they seek control to be safe. They trust nobody except themselves and therefore only feel safe when they are in control.
This made perfect sense. We decided that since her behavior would not change until she trusted us, at least some, that we would conquer that first.
In our family, that looked like her never leaving us and we didn't leave her. We homeschooled, we accompanied her to her class at church, and we didn't let people (even grandparents) babysit her. We shifted our focus and conversation from her behavior to our response. We talked constantly about how we cared for her and kept her safe. We were always pointing out obvious ways of doing this. Some examples are :
"Kate, I am happy to hold your hand in the parking lot. It is another way I keep you safe."
"Kate, I love making dinner for you. It is another way I can show you love."
"Kate, I enjoy reading this book with you. It is another way I can teach you."
All of these may seem ridiculous to you, as they did us. But she needed someone to point these out to her. She did not recognize love in any form. Who can blame her? Had she ever even seen real love?
This was our focus for quite sometime before we added addressing her behavior. (Please note 2 things. 1) We ADDED addressing her behavior. We didn't stop constantly being with her or constantly pointing out ways we were keeping her safe. She still didn't trust us. We had just given her some ideas of what being protected looked like. It was our hope she would start to recognize this on her own. 2) Although her behavior had not been our focus, we had not been ignoring it. There was always a consequence for bad choices.)
We learned from our therapist that RAD kids need to be surprised by their consequences. Let me explain. We bought Kate a set of Disney princesses and made her a chart to earn them. Every waking hour she managed to stay out of (significant) trouble, her clip moved up the chart. When she hit 30 hours, she got to pick out a princess. (The few of you that are thinking that 30 hours is too easy have clearly never been around a child like this. I encourage you to keep reading and hold judgment.) We told her counselor how sometimes she worked her way right up the chart, while other times it would take days and days to manage to move at all.
Her therapist pointed out that although WE had set the rules of the chart, KATE was still in control. A normal child does better knowing what their consequences will be. That knowledge helps keep them in line, so to speak. A child like Kate, views it very differently. When she knows what the consequence will be she simply weighs out her options. She thinks "I am going to be home and would like a new princess so I am going to stay out of trouble." But she also thinks "Mom says we are going to grandma's. She has toys there so I don't need this princess so I can act however I want." She even will go so far to think "Mom wants me to be good to earn a princess. I want a princess, but that would mean I did what mom wanted. That means Mom won. I am not safe if Mom wins so even though I want the princess, I have to act out so Mom doesn't think she won." I understand I am paraphrasing, but that was her actual thought process.
We took the therapist's advice and took down the chart. We started surprising her with consequences that made no sense with the behavior. This made her start thinking twice before she did things...which by default gave us control. Slowly, overtime, we saw a shift in her behavior...with us...only at home.
As soon as we went out of the house, we were back to square one with behavior. While this was extremely frustrating, it caused us to see that we had made definite progress at claiming back our home and our authority in it. This gave us the strength and determination to keep going. We continued working on this at home as often as we could. If there was ANY challenging behavior, we changed plans and one of us stayed home with her. But because it was important that she not see that as a way to control our plans, we didn't ever tell her any plans ahead of time. By doing this we also took away her time to plan how she would sabotage the outing. This was a game changer for us. It was a simple, obvious way we were in control that she couldn't take.
She would ask, beg, and plead to know where we were going or what the plan was for the day. Our response was "Can you trust us to take care of you". She was never sure if we were going to the zoo or the grocery store so she was careful to mind her behavior. Again, this worked wonders for us because it forced her to accept we were the ones in control.
The only times we ever let her know that her behavior had changed the plans was when her behavior caused her to miss out on something SHE wanted to do. But we still kept it a "secret" from her until the last minute.
For example, we were planning on going to friends house for the evening, but she had had a rough day with making choices. When it was time for us to walk out the door, we would say, "Kate, we had planned on all of us going to our friend's house tonight to play. But you showed me today by your choices that you can't handle that this evening. Dad is going to take your brothers and go, but I am going to stay home with you and keep you safe. I hope next time we will be able to go together." Then Clint would make a quick departure so Kate would not think that a fit would have a chance at changing the consequence.
This was the beginning of how we learned to deal with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Our daughter has come along way in the last few years, but it is still very much a part of our everyday life.
This is my first entry on this topic and I plan to do more. I am not a doctor or a therapist, nor am I saying that you should do what we are doing. I am simply sharing our story and what has worked for us. I hope that you can take my words and be encouraged on your journey.
Please feel free to leave a comment or question or let me know if there is a specific topic you would like me to share my thoughts or experience on.
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