The One Word a RAD Kid Understands

My daughter, Kate, had 16 placements before she became a part of our family.  It is no wonder she struggles to believe us when we say she is staying here forever.  I don't believe she fully understands what forever even means.

With our son, Jack, he could comprehend the idea of forever.  In fact, although he was younger than Kate, he often asked about if he would live with us forever.  He was placed with us as a foster child, unavailable for adoption.  He wanted us to adopt him and we wanted to adopt him, but the state was taking their time deciding "what was in his best interest".  Jack was 5 when he asked me all the time if he could live with us forever.  His question is actually where the name of my blog came from.

He would say "Can I stay all the days with you?".  It was his little way of talking about forever.

However, Kate was/is much different.  Kate doesn't talk about forever.  I remember the following conversation take place about 6 months after she came:

Kate: Can I wear deodorant?

Me: You don't need that yet.  Maybe when you about 9 you can wear it

Kate:  Will you tell my next mom that I can wear it when I am 9?


That question just pierced my heart.  But what made it worse was how nonchalantly she said it.  It didn't matter that I had told her countless times that she was staying forever.  The thought of forever was/is just not something that ever entered her mind.

I sat her down again and told her that she would not have another mom.  I told her that I would always be her mom.  I told her she was not going to ever go live in another family.  I told her everything I had told her a hundred times before.  And her response was the same as always..." OK".



Fast forward almost 2 years.  Kate will say the words "forever", "adoption", and "staying", but she does not believe them.  However, the other word she does not believe is "Love".  She doesn't believe it because she does not understand it.  We tell her we love her and she says it back, but they are just words to her.

I was struggling with this a couple months ago.  I was having a hard time understanding what it must be like to not believe in or even understand "love".  She was in a fit of rage and was saying to me "you don't love me!  You hate me!  I hate you!  I wish I didn't even know you!" and all the other phrases she screams when she is like this.

I calmly would reassure her that I did love her.  I told her I was glad I knew her.  All of this "conversation" was going on while she was hitting, kicking, and throwing things.  As I watched her every move to keep us both safe, I was searching for something new to say.  Was there anything that might help her feel security in me and my feelings towards her?

I started talking, over them screaming, about the toys at a store.  I talked about all the toys that catch her eye.  This was a new and unexpected topic during a fit and she was intrigued.  She began to calm slightly.  I continued my talk, taking a very long time and speaking in great detail about each toy because it was taking her attention off her fit.

When she was no longer hitting and screaming, I asked her what toy she wanted the most.  She immediately zoned in, probably because she was hoping we would go buy it.  After she told me the toy, we talked and talked about it.  I made it sound so good to her.  She was so excited about this toy.

I finally said, "why did you pick that toy?'.  She replied, " because I want it.".

I told her that "love" and "want" are not the same, but that since she was still learning about "love", we were going to talk about "want".  I explained that I "wanted" her.  This excited her.  She had never thought about it like that.

From that day on, instead of saying "I Love You" to her, I say "I Love You and I Want You".

This always makes her smile and I believe it means more to her than "I Love You" ever did because she understands the feelings that come with "wanting".