They other day I shared my RAD daughter's step by step manipulation. At the end of that I stated I would be following it up with another entry about manipulation. I am trying to keep these short and sweet and easy to read so I have decided to actually to a couple more on this topic instead of trying to cram all the information into this one.
As I mentioned before, my previous entry focused on the actual steps of her strategy. Today's is going to focus on equipping unsuspecting adults to notice it and be able to stop her. It is very difficult to find individuals that actually want to to get in the trenches of RAD with us, but when we find a soul brave enough, we need to do all we can to help them understand RAD and how they can truly help. My daughter's counselor always says that it isn't enough to love RADS. You have to love them WELL. Loving a RAD well looks a bit different than plain old love.
After you have explained, to any willing adult, that a RAD looks for the weakest adult so that they have a better a chance of manipulation, it is time to explain to them what a RAD interprets as "weakness" in adults.
When I was explaining this to my mother in law I said the words "Sadly, everything that makes a grandparent special is viewed as a weakness in Kate's eyes. This is some what true for parents, but even more for grandparents. I am sorry about this. I know it is hard."
I went on to list specific actions that Kate sees as weakness.
A soft voice or tone
Anything special (a treat or gift)
Hugs
Anything besides a firm "NO" (example "can you please stop" does not work)
One on one attention
Choices (example "do you want milk or water")
Compliments
Not being reprimanded IMMEDIATELY
I went on to tell my mother in law that Kate's relationship with her needed to be viewed the same in Kate's eyes as her relationship with her counselor. She is someone that supports her dad and I because she knows WE are what she needs. Kate needs to see that my mother in law's goal is to strengthen Kate's attachment to US and that the priority is not Kate attaching to her.
I try to assure to my mother in law that the way Kate needs her to talk to her and interact with her will seem very unnatural, but it is all part of loving Kate well. I said " Your tone with Kate needs to be different than you have probably ever talked to someone else. You are not being mean. It just feels that way because Kate is a child and one you love very much. However, you have to remind yourself that Kate views a strict, firm tone as someone that can protect her and keep her safe."
Stress to this brave adult that you hope someday they can have more relaxed and "fun" relationship with your RAD, but they have to earn the RAD's respect first. They will never respect an adult they can manipulate. But advice them that it will take years to truly earn their respect.
Make sure this adult knows that they will mess up. They will be manipulated by the RAD. We all are. I feel like I do a pretty good job of staying 20 steps ahead of my RAD, but sometimes she gets me. I have to make a note of her tactic I fell for, get up, and get ahead again.
Mostly, give grace to this adult that has come along beside you to help you love your RAD well. This is new to them. It was new to us once too. Encourage them. Tell them you appreciate them.
If you haven't found that brave soul, ask around. There may be someone that wants to help, but has no idea how. Maybe the would be willing to learn about RAD. I started this blog to encourage the parents raising RADs and to educate everyone else. We can't do it alone. Teach someone to help you...well.
Friday, March 16, 2018
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
A RAD's Step by Step Adult Manipulation Strategy
I am blessed with parents and in-laws that WANT to learn about RAD so they can emotionally and physically help us in this journey with our daughter. One evening about 2 months ago I found myself chatting with my mother in law about Kate. I was sharing very detailed information and signs to watch for because they were going to be spending some time together later in the week.
I am a bit of a nerd when it comes to list and typed up papers and schedules, so I typed up a paper about what I wanted to make sure I told her. I know every RAD is different, but I thought I would share what my RAD's strategy looks like. Maybe this will help you has you put an order to your RAD's or maybe you can share this with your friends, family, church, or school as a way to help them see how a RAD is always watching and waiting to pounce.
The following is my daughter manipulation strategy. She will use this when she meets new people or when she is around any adults (church, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, doctors, teachers)
1) She is sweet and agreeable.
2) Adult is impressed with her and begins a conversation.
3) She uses this conversation to charm adult, but what she is really doing is analyzing if the are weak. (If she finds they are not weak, she moves on to the next adult.)
4) She continues to compliment adult so adult feels like they are "bonding".
5) Once she gets a compliment form the adult, she knows she has them caught. Her attitude completely changes and my husband and I can even see a change on her face. She will now manipulate every moment from here on out until she is caught by my husband or myself. This happens so fast (and she is so good at it) that the adult is unaware the change has even taken place.
6) She begins another conversation. This time SHE will decide what is talk about. She will interrupt. She will ask questions, but not listen for an answer. She will not stop talking or let this adult talk to anyone else.
7) If she is not caught and stopped in the previous tactic, she ups her game and sees what all she can convince the adult to actually do. She will have adult hold things for her. She will ask the adult to come with her. It doesn't matter to where because it is just about control and power. She will have them read to her. She will have them "help" her do something she doesn't need help with. It has nothing to do with her wanting a relationship. It is a conquest. How much can she control you? How much power can she prove?
8) If she has manged to get this far without getting caught, she will up her game again. This time she will try getting the adult to do things that are not really wrong, but against what we have told her. For example in our house the rule is that all bedroom doors are open unless you are in there alone. Kate will try to take people to her room to see something and then ask them to shut the door. If they do it, she has controlled them again. The adult has no idea that they just broke a rule, but Kate knows. Knowledge is power to a RAD.
9) The last step is her making choices that are wrong by all standards.
The goal is to get family and friends to understand that Kate does not care about them. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. She is not trying to form a relationship with them. She is trying to manipulate them. In fact, the person in the group she chooses to latch on to, is the one she feels like is the weakest and easiest for her to manipulate and conquer.
I encourage to watch your RAD and see if you can figure out their strategy with other adults. I will follow this blog up with another one about how we intercept her manipulation.
I am a bit of a nerd when it comes to list and typed up papers and schedules, so I typed up a paper about what I wanted to make sure I told her. I know every RAD is different, but I thought I would share what my RAD's strategy looks like. Maybe this will help you has you put an order to your RAD's or maybe you can share this with your friends, family, church, or school as a way to help them see how a RAD is always watching and waiting to pounce.
The following is my daughter manipulation strategy. She will use this when she meets new people or when she is around any adults (church, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, doctors, teachers)
1) She is sweet and agreeable.
2) Adult is impressed with her and begins a conversation.
3) She uses this conversation to charm adult, but what she is really doing is analyzing if the are weak. (If she finds they are not weak, she moves on to the next adult.)
4) She continues to compliment adult so adult feels like they are "bonding".
5) Once she gets a compliment form the adult, she knows she has them caught. Her attitude completely changes and my husband and I can even see a change on her face. She will now manipulate every moment from here on out until she is caught by my husband or myself. This happens so fast (and she is so good at it) that the adult is unaware the change has even taken place.
6) She begins another conversation. This time SHE will decide what is talk about. She will interrupt. She will ask questions, but not listen for an answer. She will not stop talking or let this adult talk to anyone else.
7) If she is not caught and stopped in the previous tactic, she ups her game and sees what all she can convince the adult to actually do. She will have adult hold things for her. She will ask the adult to come with her. It doesn't matter to where because it is just about control and power. She will have them read to her. She will have them "help" her do something she doesn't need help with. It has nothing to do with her wanting a relationship. It is a conquest. How much can she control you? How much power can she prove?
8) If she has manged to get this far without getting caught, she will up her game again. This time she will try getting the adult to do things that are not really wrong, but against what we have told her. For example in our house the rule is that all bedroom doors are open unless you are in there alone. Kate will try to take people to her room to see something and then ask them to shut the door. If they do it, she has controlled them again. The adult has no idea that they just broke a rule, but Kate knows. Knowledge is power to a RAD.
9) The last step is her making choices that are wrong by all standards.
The goal is to get family and friends to understand that Kate does not care about them. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. She is not trying to form a relationship with them. She is trying to manipulate them. In fact, the person in the group she chooses to latch on to, is the one she feels like is the weakest and easiest for her to manipulate and conquer.
I encourage to watch your RAD and see if you can figure out their strategy with other adults. I will follow this blog up with another one about how we intercept her manipulation.
Saturday, March 10, 2018
5 Responses to Family and Friends About RAD
"Oh it is just a fit. My daughter does the same thing."
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
"Have you tried helping her understand she is loved now?"
"Why don't you let me help? I will take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
I don't know about you but I have had all of these statement (plus more) said to me by well meaning friends and family in regards to my daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I used to be left speechless. I had all these things I wanted to say, but never did. I have talked to many of you and found you have the same problem. So, I am here to help. Let's do this once and for all.
I am going to respond to each one the these statements in a way that will educate our friends and family about RAD and how it affects us and how they can help. I encourage you to become familiar with these responses so they will be on the tip of your tongue when needed. You could also share this online so that friends and family can read and become more understanding of RAD.
Before we dive into those, lets define RAD and what causes it.
Reactive Attachment Disorder, in my definition, is simply how a child reacts to attachment due to trauma, abuse and/or neglect early in his/her life.
"Oh, it's just a fit. My daughter does the same thing."
We have all heard this one. My sassy comeback is "Oh, really. Please tell me about the trauma , abuse , and neglect your child encountered early in their life...and then I will tell you about my child's". But since we are adults and we are trying to educate others, I bite my tongue.
A better response is "Yes, fits are a part of childhood. All my children have thrown fits too. The difference with my RAD is that she isn't upset she didn't get her way. Rather she is throwing this fit to show me that she is strong and has power. She does this because when I tell her no, it proved to her she wasn't in control. This makes her feel vulnerable. Many times in her life when she was over powered by adults, it ended in abuse and trauma. She is scared of that happening with me and so she throws a fit to show me (and herself) that she is not weak."
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better?"
Response: "I can see why you feel like my approach with my RAD is harsh. It is quite different than my approach with my "normal" kids. RAD's are master manipulators. If she feels like there is any wiggle room in my words or instructions, she will take full advantage of it. I am trying to teach my RAD that I am in control. I don't want her to feel that way because I feel powerful to have a child fully submit to me. I want her to see that even when she is fully submitted to me, she is still safe. I will keep her safe. This will free her to be a child. She has never been able to do that before. We are confidant that this is the best way to approach her...and so are the experts."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
Response: "RAD is caused by trauma, abuse, and/or neglect in early childhood. Like us, she is not able to undo what the beginning of her life was like. Those experiences will always have been a part of her life. So sadly, she will not ever outgrow her early life. We do our best to help her work through all of that and show her that she is OK now."
"Have you tried helping her understand that she is loved now?"
Response: "Yes. Actually, we spend every day trying to help her understand that. My daughter is different than your child and that means my love looks different. It is not less. It is different. Your child already knows and believes you love them. My daughter does not. My daughter doesn't even want me to love her. She doesn't understand love because love has been confusing in the past. Adults that were supposed to love her, didn't. And adults that said they loved her, hurt her. Love is a threatening idea to my RAD. In our home we talk a lot about being "wanted" and being "safe". Those words are much more important to a RAD. I know I love her and I pray someday she knows it too.
"Why don't you let me help? Let me take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
Response: (sassy) "The fact that you think you can do that is the exact reason I can't let you.
Response: I appreciate your willingness to help, but that would cause challenges in the relationship I am working on with my daughter. Unless somebody truly understand RAD and how to react to it, they can damage work that has been accomplished between the RAD and parents. I know that is hard for you to understand. If you would like to commit to understanding RAD so you could be someone I could (realistically) count on, I can give you some books, blogs, and websites so you can get educated about RAD. Let me know if that is something you would be interested in. We could always use support and encouragement. Some ways that would be helpful would be dropping off dinner sometime, inviting us to activities without judgment if we can't make it or have to leave early, a card of encouragement in mail can go a long way, and we covet prayer.
Our friends and family do not understand RAD. We probably didn't either until it was in our home. So instead of becoming moms that lose friendships and have tension with family members, let's step back and try to educate them. I feel like most of these responses are effective in giving an intelligent answer that don't leave much room for an argument. They may open up a discussion and isn't that what we all want?
I can't have my friendships and relationships be the same as they were before RAD, but I don't have to completely get rid of them either. I believe that the people in our life that truly want to understand will be receptive to learning. But we have to actually go back and teach, not just expect them to know and understand like we do.
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
"Have you tried helping her understand she is loved now?"
"Why don't you let me help? I will take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
I don't know about you but I have had all of these statement (plus more) said to me by well meaning friends and family in regards to my daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I used to be left speechless. I had all these things I wanted to say, but never did. I have talked to many of you and found you have the same problem. So, I am here to help. Let's do this once and for all.
I am going to respond to each one the these statements in a way that will educate our friends and family about RAD and how it affects us and how they can help. I encourage you to become familiar with these responses so they will be on the tip of your tongue when needed. You could also share this online so that friends and family can read and become more understanding of RAD.
Before we dive into those, lets define RAD and what causes it.
Reactive Attachment Disorder, in my definition, is simply how a child reacts to attachment due to trauma, abuse and/or neglect early in his/her life.
"Oh, it's just a fit. My daughter does the same thing."
We have all heard this one. My sassy comeback is "Oh, really. Please tell me about the trauma , abuse , and neglect your child encountered early in their life...and then I will tell you about my child's". But since we are adults and we are trying to educate others, I bite my tongue.
A better response is "Yes, fits are a part of childhood. All my children have thrown fits too. The difference with my RAD is that she isn't upset she didn't get her way. Rather she is throwing this fit to show me that she is strong and has power. She does this because when I tell her no, it proved to her she wasn't in control. This makes her feel vulnerable. Many times in her life when she was over powered by adults, it ended in abuse and trauma. She is scared of that happening with me and so she throws a fit to show me (and herself) that she is not weak."
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better?"
Response: "I can see why you feel like my approach with my RAD is harsh. It is quite different than my approach with my "normal" kids. RAD's are master manipulators. If she feels like there is any wiggle room in my words or instructions, she will take full advantage of it. I am trying to teach my RAD that I am in control. I don't want her to feel that way because I feel powerful to have a child fully submit to me. I want her to see that even when she is fully submitted to me, she is still safe. I will keep her safe. This will free her to be a child. She has never been able to do that before. We are confidant that this is the best way to approach her...and so are the experts."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
Response: "RAD is caused by trauma, abuse, and/or neglect in early childhood. Like us, she is not able to undo what the beginning of her life was like. Those experiences will always have been a part of her life. So sadly, she will not ever outgrow her early life. We do our best to help her work through all of that and show her that she is OK now."
"Have you tried helping her understand that she is loved now?"
Response: "Yes. Actually, we spend every day trying to help her understand that. My daughter is different than your child and that means my love looks different. It is not less. It is different. Your child already knows and believes you love them. My daughter does not. My daughter doesn't even want me to love her. She doesn't understand love because love has been confusing in the past. Adults that were supposed to love her, didn't. And adults that said they loved her, hurt her. Love is a threatening idea to my RAD. In our home we talk a lot about being "wanted" and being "safe". Those words are much more important to a RAD. I know I love her and I pray someday she knows it too.
"Why don't you let me help? Let me take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
Response: (sassy) "The fact that you think you can do that is the exact reason I can't let you.
Response: I appreciate your willingness to help, but that would cause challenges in the relationship I am working on with my daughter. Unless somebody truly understand RAD and how to react to it, they can damage work that has been accomplished between the RAD and parents. I know that is hard for you to understand. If you would like to commit to understanding RAD so you could be someone I could (realistically) count on, I can give you some books, blogs, and websites so you can get educated about RAD. Let me know if that is something you would be interested in. We could always use support and encouragement. Some ways that would be helpful would be dropping off dinner sometime, inviting us to activities without judgment if we can't make it or have to leave early, a card of encouragement in mail can go a long way, and we covet prayer.
Our friends and family do not understand RAD. We probably didn't either until it was in our home. So instead of becoming moms that lose friendships and have tension with family members, let's step back and try to educate them. I feel like most of these responses are effective in giving an intelligent answer that don't leave much room for an argument. They may open up a discussion and isn't that what we all want?
I can't have my friendships and relationships be the same as they were before RAD, but I don't have to completely get rid of them either. I believe that the people in our life that truly want to understand will be receptive to learning. But we have to actually go back and teach, not just expect them to know and understand like we do.
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