They other day I shared my RAD daughter's step by step manipulation. At the end of that I stated I would be following it up with another entry about manipulation. I am trying to keep these short and sweet and easy to read so I have decided to actually to a couple more on this topic instead of trying to cram all the information into this one.
As I mentioned before, my previous entry focused on the actual steps of her strategy. Today's is going to focus on equipping unsuspecting adults to notice it and be able to stop her. It is very difficult to find individuals that actually want to to get in the trenches of RAD with us, but when we find a soul brave enough, we need to do all we can to help them understand RAD and how they can truly help. My daughter's counselor always says that it isn't enough to love RADS. You have to love them WELL. Loving a RAD well looks a bit different than plain old love.
After you have explained, to any willing adult, that a RAD looks for the weakest adult so that they have a better a chance of manipulation, it is time to explain to them what a RAD interprets as "weakness" in adults.
When I was explaining this to my mother in law I said the words "Sadly, everything that makes a grandparent special is viewed as a weakness in Kate's eyes. This is some what true for parents, but even more for grandparents. I am sorry about this. I know it is hard."
I went on to list specific actions that Kate sees as weakness.
A soft voice or tone
Anything special (a treat or gift)
Hugs
Anything besides a firm "NO" (example "can you please stop" does not work)
One on one attention
Choices (example "do you want milk or water")
Compliments
Not being reprimanded IMMEDIATELY
I went on to tell my mother in law that Kate's relationship with her needed to be viewed the same in Kate's eyes as her relationship with her counselor. She is someone that supports her dad and I because she knows WE are what she needs. Kate needs to see that my mother in law's goal is to strengthen Kate's attachment to US and that the priority is not Kate attaching to her.
I try to assure to my mother in law that the way Kate needs her to talk to her and interact with her will seem very unnatural, but it is all part of loving Kate well. I said " Your tone with Kate needs to be different than you have probably ever talked to someone else. You are not being mean. It just feels that way because Kate is a child and one you love very much. However, you have to remind yourself that Kate views a strict, firm tone as someone that can protect her and keep her safe."
Stress to this brave adult that you hope someday they can have more relaxed and "fun" relationship with your RAD, but they have to earn the RAD's respect first. They will never respect an adult they can manipulate. But advice them that it will take years to truly earn their respect.
Make sure this adult knows that they will mess up. They will be manipulated by the RAD. We all are. I feel like I do a pretty good job of staying 20 steps ahead of my RAD, but sometimes she gets me. I have to make a note of her tactic I fell for, get up, and get ahead again.
Mostly, give grace to this adult that has come along beside you to help you love your RAD well. This is new to them. It was new to us once too. Encourage them. Tell them you appreciate them.
If you haven't found that brave soul, ask around. There may be someone that wants to help, but has no idea how. Maybe the would be willing to learn about RAD. I started this blog to encourage the parents raising RADs and to educate everyone else. We can't do it alone. Teach someone to help you...well.
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