I am blessed with parents and in-laws that WANT to learn about RAD so they can emotionally and physically help us in this journey with our daughter. One evening about 2 months ago I found myself chatting with my mother in law about Kate. I was sharing very detailed information and signs to watch for because they were going to be spending some time together later in the week.
I am a bit of a nerd when it comes to list and typed up papers and schedules, so I typed up a paper about what I wanted to make sure I told her. I know every RAD is different, but I thought I would share what my RAD's strategy looks like. Maybe this will help you has you put an order to your RAD's or maybe you can share this with your friends, family, church, or school as a way to help them see how a RAD is always watching and waiting to pounce.
The following is my daughter manipulation strategy. She will use this when she meets new people or when she is around any adults (church, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, doctors, teachers)
1) She is sweet and agreeable.
2) Adult is impressed with her and begins a conversation.
3) She uses this conversation to charm adult, but what she is really doing is analyzing if the are weak. (If she finds they are not weak, she moves on to the next adult.)
4) She continues to compliment adult so adult feels like they are "bonding".
5) Once she gets a compliment form the adult, she knows she has them caught. Her attitude completely changes and my husband and I can even see a change on her face. She will now manipulate every moment from here on out until she is caught by my husband or myself. This happens so fast (and she is so good at it) that the adult is unaware the change has even taken place.
6) She begins another conversation. This time SHE will decide what is talk about. She will interrupt. She will ask questions, but not listen for an answer. She will not stop talking or let this adult talk to anyone else.
7) If she is not caught and stopped in the previous tactic, she ups her game and sees what all she can convince the adult to actually do. She will have adult hold things for her. She will ask the adult to come with her. It doesn't matter to where because it is just about control and power. She will have them read to her. She will have them "help" her do something she doesn't need help with. It has nothing to do with her wanting a relationship. It is a conquest. How much can she control you? How much power can she prove?
8) If she has manged to get this far without getting caught, she will up her game again. This time she will try getting the adult to do things that are not really wrong, but against what we have told her. For example in our house the rule is that all bedroom doors are open unless you are in there alone. Kate will try to take people to her room to see something and then ask them to shut the door. If they do it, she has controlled them again. The adult has no idea that they just broke a rule, but Kate knows. Knowledge is power to a RAD.
9) The last step is her making choices that are wrong by all standards.
The goal is to get family and friends to understand that Kate does not care about them. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. She is not trying to form a relationship with them. She is trying to manipulate them. In fact, the person in the group she chooses to latch on to, is the one she feels like is the weakest and easiest for her to manipulate and conquer.
I encourage to watch your RAD and see if you can figure out their strategy with other adults. I will follow this blog up with another one about how we intercept her manipulation.
Wow....this is disgusting. Or maybe she's just a child who has lost everything she held dear when she lost her biological family and is suffering trauma. Trauma that you are further inflicting by labeling her "our RAD". Do you think she doesn't know how you feel about her? Why would she ever trust you or any adult ever again with the way that you talk about her? My God, get off the damn internet and stop talking about this child as if she were a dangerous murderer! Get some help for both her and yourself! You are part of what is wrong!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading my blog. i appreciate your opinion. I would like to respond, if you don't mind. I do not refer to my daughter as "RAD" when I am talking to her or about her when she is present. I, like many parents, use the term in writing so that my reader can identify with what it going on in the situation. I posted a blog about this a week or so ago and I welcome you to read it. As far as how if feel about my daughter...i love her with every part of my heart and fight for her with all my strength. My daughter is in therapy for RAD. She has weekly appointments that I take her to. Her therapist is one of the nation's best in this field and she believes we are doing a fabulous job with our daughter. Kate has begun trying to attach much earlier than anyone thought possible. In fact, Kate had been in over 15 placements before she came to us. They state was ready to send her to an institution to live our her life. That sentence is written in her file by her psychiatrist. Kate was sedated to the point of drooling, falling, wetting herself, and slurred speech due to the medication the state had her on because of her behavior. Within 5 months at our home, she was off all meds. This entry has thousands of views and multiple positive comments form other families dealing with RAD. I am curious what your connection is with RAD. Do you have a child with RAD?
DeleteWell thank you for your copy and pasted response. I am an adoptee who probably would have been diagnosed with RAD had the diagnosis existed in my times. My connection is that I feel for Kate as she clearly has suffered trauma and now has to deal with her story (which is hers alone to tell) being put all over the internet for anyone to read. Imagine how she will feel with all these adults treating her as if she is a monster simply because she has suffered. What if children she goes to school with read this someday...and read all her sordid details? Another trauma for her. More and more adoptees are beginning to speak out against this bogus diagnosis. It's a normal reaction to the abnormal situation of adoption. And if you think the way you speak about your daughter here online isnt felt by her (regardless of how you actually speak to her face) you are wrong. We adoptees are extremely hypervigilant and we feel what you don't say.
DeleteI actually am also an adoptee. I experienced trauma and abuse as a young child at the hands of my biological father. I share your view about RAD being a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I also fear that is will become so overly diagnosed that it will thought of as a "bogus" diagnosis. I appreciate your concern for Kate and her story and feelings. I have taken into account all of that and have the precautions in place to keep her safe. I started my blog as a way to encourage and educate people about RAD. I do hope that you will continue to read my blog. Again, I can appreciate your concern for my daughter. I think she is a pretty special girl and count her as a blessing in my life. Also, my response was written to you...in was copy and pasted to the person below you. I want you to know I took time to answer your questions.
DeleteOur rad?? "do you realise that you are talking about an actual person ?
ReplyDeleteA little person who is carrying trauma? How on earth have you even got this far?
On the plus side, you have recognised that there is something going on with her. But you are handling it all wrong. You are seeing it all wrong. You are the manipulative one, you are the controlling one. The poor girl is crying out and you can't hear her. What is wrong with her trying to make friends?? That's where you are being manipulative and controlling . She attempts to get involved with someone and you put a stop to it. You are even giving a list of instructions to other people. WTAF ??
Wake up for goodness sake
Thank you for reading my blog. i appreciate your opinion. I would like to respond, if you don't mind. I do not refer to my daughter as "RAD" when I am talking to her or about her when she is present. I, like many parents, use the term in writing so that my reader can identify with what it going on in the situation. I posted a blog about this a week or so ago and I welcome you to read it. As far as how if feel about my daughter...i love her with every part of my heart and fight for her with all my strength. My daughter is in therapy for RAD. She has weekly appointments that I take her to. Her therapist is one of the nation's best in this field and she believes we are doing a fabulous job with our daughter. Kate has begun trying to attach much earlier than anyone thought possible. In fact, Kate had been in over 15 placements before she came to us. They state was ready to send her to an institution to live our her life. That sentence is written in her file by her psychiatrist. Kate was sedated to the point of drooling, falling, wetting herself, and slurred speech due to the medication the state had her on because of her behavior. Within 5 months at our home, she was off all meds. This entry has thousands of views and multiple positive comments form other families dealing with RAD. I am curious what your connection is with RAD. Do you have a child with RAD?
DeleteDelete
(i) How do they know she is analysing the adult for 'weakness'? What does that even mean?;
ReplyDelete(ii) 'If she finds they are not weak, she moves on to the next adult'; or maybe, like all children, if the adult is patronising or dismissive - as many adults ere with children - she seeks a sympathetic adult (being sympathetic towards children is not a 'weakness'; it's a strength)
(iii) How can the child's motivation be 'to complemet the adult so they feel like they are bonding'? That seems far too sophisticated a motive. Furthermore, you cannot know for certain that this is the child's motive; it's a guess;
(iv) 'She will interrupt. She will ask questions, but not listen for an answer. She will not stop talking or let this adult talk to anyone else.' Children tend to become loquacious when they find an adult who will pay them some attention/seems sympathetic (many adults are dismissive or patronising towards children); What's being described here, though, is a barage of non-stop questions and talking from the child; How can a child not 'let this adult talk to anyone else'? It doesn't have a superpower which prevents adults from talking. On how many occasions has this happened? You're positing some very sophisticated and well-rehearsed strategies.
(v) 'She will have adult hold things for her. She will ask the adult to come with her.'; This is exactly what all children do when they come across a friendly adult and is completely normal;
(vi) 'She will have them read to her.' Seriously - this is being used as an example of disordered behaviour in a child? This is not part of any disorder. Children love having an adult read to them, and all decent adults love reading to children;
(vii) 'If she has manged to get this far without getting caught' - withough 'getting caught' asking an adult to read to her? This is pathologising normal, egocentric, childhood behaviour.
Hello, thank you for reading my blog and also for the comment. It seems to me the main question you have is how am i sure she is doing the listed behaviors as manipulation. The quick answer...she says so. I know her motive behind her behavior because she tells me. Children with RAD see control as safety. Therefore, the more control they can obtain over an adult, the safer the "believe" they are. WE of course know this is not true. The name of the diagnosis explains itself. There is a disorder in how the child reacts to attachment. You are absolutely correct about many of behaviors being of such that any child would do. Let's take reading for example. If you took a "normal" child to a family gathering and Aunt Susie read them 3 books, the child might say in the car on the way home "I had fun. Aunt Susie read me 3 books. I like Aunt Susie." However Kate will (and has) said "I tricked Susie into reading me books tonight. She said only 1 but I got her to read 3. I will get her to read 5 next time." You can ask her what the books were about or if she liked them. Her response will "i don't know." As far as the super power you mentioned about not letting them talk to other people. Kate talks nonstop even the point of babbling. She will sit them so she is the only one in their view. She will put her hands on their face to keep them looking at her. When they have had enough and begin talking to someone else, she moves on too. She has lost her control therefore she is no longer interested.
DeleteI wrote this blog and this entry to educate others about RAD. It has been viewed thousands of times and other parents of RAD kids understand what I have written. I could go on and on giving 10 or more examples to back up what I wrote, but I don't have time for that now. I will continue to do that in my blog so I encourage to keep reading.
Before I go want to make sure you understand that this is the strategy she uses on unsuspecting adults. This is not what she does in our home on a day to day basis. She most certainly still attempts to manipulate everything, but she also knows her Dad and I are not weak, therefore we can and will protect her. Sometimes that brings her comfort, other times it makes her feel weak. That is RAD...her reaction to attachment. However, Kate and I read together multiple times a day. We play games, dress up, hair and make up. I work extremely hard at our relationship and I have spent countless hours on learning as much as I can about RAD. In my defense, the people that knew Kate before she was with us and now can not believe the change in her. I ask you the same question I asked the others, what is your connection with RAD?
I am adopted, I had a very traumatic childhood. I spent time in Foster care. I have worked with special needs children since high school.I have been a childcare worker for over 20 years. I have worked in our schools with traumatized children. I am a foster parent and have raised 3 biological children and two step daughters. My adoptive mother (OT by trade) helped form many groups, preschools and programs for children in a large school district. I had issues....still do. She did her research and, asked for help in dealing with me. Shes my MOM she wanted the best for me AND to understand how to help get me through my struggles. I am not upset in any way that she spoke to friends, social workers, co workers and other professionals about me. She went the distance for me.....just like THIS Mom is doing for her child!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't LIVE WITH OR LOVE a child with RAD or, have no training to help said children DO NOT judge those of us who do! Clearly there is love, patience and a desire to help, nurture and SAVE this young girl coming from A Mom that CHOSE her daughter. I live with a child that has probable RAD amongst other trauma related issues, its very hard work. Raising children is difficult under the best of circumstances no one is perfect at it. Ask questions, but to berate and pass judgment is just petty. So dont.....how about that. If you are not in the same situation how can you think you know how it should be better "worded " or handled?
I congratulate you on your efforts with your daughter and, family. Keep up the good work.