"Oh it is just a fit. My daughter does the same thing."
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
"Have you tried helping her understand she is loved now?"
"Why don't you let me help? I will take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
I don't know about you but I have had all of these statement (plus more) said to me by well meaning friends and family in regards to my daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I used to be left speechless. I had all these things I wanted to say, but never did. I have talked to many of you and found you have the same problem. So, I am here to help. Let's do this once and for all.
I am going to respond to each one the these statements in a way that will educate our friends and family about RAD and how it affects us and how they can help. I encourage you to become familiar with these responses so they will be on the tip of your tongue when needed. You could also share this online so that friends and family can read and become more understanding of RAD.
Before we dive into those, lets define RAD and what causes it.
Reactive Attachment Disorder, in my definition, is simply how a child reacts to attachment due to trauma, abuse and/or neglect early in his/her life.
"Oh, it's just a fit. My daughter does the same thing."
We have all heard this one. My sassy comeback is "Oh, really. Please tell me about the trauma , abuse , and neglect your child encountered early in their life...and then I will tell you about my child's". But since we are adults and we are trying to educate others, I bite my tongue.
A better response is "Yes, fits are a part of childhood. All my children have thrown fits too. The difference with my RAD is that she isn't upset she didn't get her way. Rather she is throwing this fit to show me that she is strong and has power. She does this because when I tell her no, it proved to her she wasn't in control. This makes her feel vulnerable. Many times in her life when she was over powered by adults, it ended in abuse and trauma. She is scared of that happening with me and so she throws a fit to show me (and herself) that she is not weak."
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better?"
Response: "I can see why you feel like my approach with my RAD is harsh. It is quite different than my approach with my "normal" kids. RAD's are master manipulators. If she feels like there is any wiggle room in my words or instructions, she will take full advantage of it. I am trying to teach my RAD that I am in control. I don't want her to feel that way because I feel powerful to have a child fully submit to me. I want her to see that even when she is fully submitted to me, she is still safe. I will keep her safe. This will free her to be a child. She has never been able to do that before. We are confidant that this is the best way to approach her...and so are the experts."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
Response: "RAD is caused by trauma, abuse, and/or neglect in early childhood. Like us, she is not able to undo what the beginning of her life was like. Those experiences will always have been a part of her life. So sadly, she will not ever outgrow her early life. We do our best to help her work through all of that and show her that she is OK now."
"Have you tried helping her understand that she is loved now?"
Response: "Yes. Actually, we spend every day trying to help her understand that. My daughter is different than your child and that means my love looks different. It is not less. It is different. Your child already knows and believes you love them. My daughter does not. My daughter doesn't even want me to love her. She doesn't understand love because love has been confusing in the past. Adults that were supposed to love her, didn't. And adults that said they loved her, hurt her. Love is a threatening idea to my RAD. In our home we talk a lot about being "wanted" and being "safe". Those words are much more important to a RAD. I know I love her and I pray someday she knows it too.
"Why don't you let me help? Let me take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
Response: (sassy) "The fact that you think you can do that is the exact reason I can't let you.
Response: I appreciate your willingness to help, but that would cause challenges in the relationship I am working on with my daughter. Unless somebody truly understand RAD and how to react to it, they can damage work that has been accomplished between the RAD and parents. I know that is hard for you to understand. If you would like to commit to understanding RAD so you could be someone I could (realistically) count on, I can give you some books, blogs, and websites so you can get educated about RAD. Let me know if that is something you would be interested in. We could always use support and encouragement. Some ways that would be helpful would be dropping off dinner sometime, inviting us to activities without judgment if we can't make it or have to leave early, a card of encouragement in mail can go a long way, and we covet prayer.
Our friends and family do not understand RAD. We probably didn't either until it was in our home. So instead of becoming moms that lose friendships and have tension with family members, let's step back and try to educate them. I feel like most of these responses are effective in giving an intelligent answer that don't leave much room for an argument. They may open up a discussion and isn't that what we all want?
I can't have my friendships and relationships be the same as they were before RAD, but I don't have to completely get rid of them either. I believe that the people in our life that truly want to understand will be receptive to learning. But we have to actually go back and teach, not just expect them to know and understand like we do.
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