Always say,
“i LOVE you and i WANT you” to RAD kids…they don’t understand “love”
but they know what “want” means.
and everybody wants to be WANTED.
-stayingallthedays@blogspot.com
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Saturday, January 27, 2018
RAD and Lack of Trust
Our daughter has a health condition that requires many doctors to follow her. This is in addition to RAD. Kate also has a history of abandonment in hospitals. On three occasions, in three different families, she had a fit of rage in a foster home that caused the foster families to call 911. All three times she was restrained in the ambulance. All three times she was given a shot in her thigh that sedated her. And all three times, she woke up somewhere new and never saw the family that she had been with again.
It is an understatement to say that Kate had major issues anytime we went to any doctor once she moved in with us. Her health condition required her to be put under several times the first year we had her. It took 3 adults to hold her down while they had a mask on her with "sleepy air". She would yell, kick, hit, bite ,and spit to try and stay awake. The medical team was always amazed how long she could fight it off.
When she woke up, she would act the same way and make every attempt she could to get out of the hospital. She was 6 and 7 years old.
She did this because she was fully convinced that we would abandon her at the hospital while she was asleep. Nothing we said could convince her otherwise.
Last year she had to have a major surgery and would need to be inpatient for 4 days following the procedure. We talked about this constantly. I promised her I would not leave that hospital until she could leave with me.
I honored my promise and never left her room until we both did to come home. It meant something to her. As we were packing up our bags to leave she said "I think I understand what foster care is, Mom. It's always moving to a new home. And I'm not in foster care now.".
Yes! My sweet girl! You are not there! Life is different now!
Just a few days ago she had surgery again. This time it was out patient. I told her that we would be coming home that same day. She said "oh man. I was hoping for some more girl time like last time.".
She did amazing this time. She was nervous to go to sleep when it actually came time to put on the mask, but there was no fit. And she even woke up pretty peacefully.
This has been a hard year with RAD and Kate. Maybe even the hardest yet. But every now and then she does or says something that reminds us that even if the days are hard, she is noticing we are different than other caregivers have been. These are the moments we have to hang onto so we can get through the hard days.
It is an understatement to say that Kate had major issues anytime we went to any doctor once she moved in with us. Her health condition required her to be put under several times the first year we had her. It took 3 adults to hold her down while they had a mask on her with "sleepy air". She would yell, kick, hit, bite ,and spit to try and stay awake. The medical team was always amazed how long she could fight it off.
When she woke up, she would act the same way and make every attempt she could to get out of the hospital. She was 6 and 7 years old.
She did this because she was fully convinced that we would abandon her at the hospital while she was asleep. Nothing we said could convince her otherwise.
Last year she had to have a major surgery and would need to be inpatient for 4 days following the procedure. We talked about this constantly. I promised her I would not leave that hospital until she could leave with me.
I honored my promise and never left her room until we both did to come home. It meant something to her. As we were packing up our bags to leave she said "I think I understand what foster care is, Mom. It's always moving to a new home. And I'm not in foster care now.".
Yes! My sweet girl! You are not there! Life is different now!
Just a few days ago she had surgery again. This time it was out patient. I told her that we would be coming home that same day. She said "oh man. I was hoping for some more girl time like last time.".
She did amazing this time. She was nervous to go to sleep when it actually came time to put on the mask, but there was no fit. And she even woke up pretty peacefully.
This has been a hard year with RAD and Kate. Maybe even the hardest yet. But every now and then she does or says something that reminds us that even if the days are hard, she is noticing we are different than other caregivers have been. These are the moments we have to hang onto so we can get through the hard days.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Teaching Empathy to a RAD
As the parent of a special needs child, I have learned to put my child first. In our family Valentine's Day and anniversaries are celebrated as a family or after the kids go to bed. I am OK with this.
As the parent of a RAD kid, I have learned that my feelings do not matter to my child. Again, I am OK with this.
However, Kate had been doing fantastic for 7 days. She had been in a destructive cycle for 6 months, but somehow she had managed 7 days of pure bliss. Our family was enjoying every moment. And then on day 8 she went right back to her manipulative behavior and annoying everyone became her goal. I had enjoyed the peace in my home and I saw it slipping away. All of us became tense again.
Clint and I were not agreeing on how to handle this random rough day. Clint and I seldom disagree when it comes to the kids and so this was adding to my stress. Sam was acting withdrawn because he too was worried Kate was heading right back into a destructive cycle. And Jack was reacting to Kate exactly how she wanted...and he was getting in trouble...which makes her very happy.
As afternoon came I realized I had cried in my bathroom as I prayed for wisdom and patience. I had sat outside to get a moment of peace. And I had snapped at every member of my family. I felt completely defeated.
I sat in a chair in the living room. I looked around and saw my husband that was frustrated with me...and I with him. I noticed Sam was in his room, alone, trying to escape the stress in our house. I was as tense as could be. And there on the floor sat Kate and Jack playing a game, laughing, as if everything was great in the world.
I said, "Kate and Jack, do you see that nobody in our family is happy right now except you two? Do you know why? Do you realize it is because of your behavior? You two have ruined this day and you have hurt your family. I know that you probably don't care about how I feel, but I care about how I feel. And right now, I feel hurt. I don't feel like it is OK for you to be having fun while I am feeling hurt from your actions. "
Kate just looked at me annoyed that I had stopped her game, but Jack was bothered by what I had said. (Jack has some issues, but he does not have RAD). Jack put the game away and laid down on his bed. Kate just stared at me. Eventually, she got up and went to her room.
I asked Sam to come watch one of his favorite movies with me and Clint watched it too. We laughed and had a great time. Jack never came out until I called him for dinner. We have all seen him try harder to be kind since then.
Now Kate, she came out several times. We just ignored all her efforts to cause a problem and she would go back to her room. Nothing changed for her.
But a lot changed for me. I felt like I took back some control that belongs to me. I don't expect Kate to remember what I said, but I am going to remember it.
As the parent of a RAD kid, I have learned that my feelings do not matter to my child. Again, I am OK with this.
However, Kate had been doing fantastic for 7 days. She had been in a destructive cycle for 6 months, but somehow she had managed 7 days of pure bliss. Our family was enjoying every moment. And then on day 8 she went right back to her manipulative behavior and annoying everyone became her goal. I had enjoyed the peace in my home and I saw it slipping away. All of us became tense again.
Clint and I were not agreeing on how to handle this random rough day. Clint and I seldom disagree when it comes to the kids and so this was adding to my stress. Sam was acting withdrawn because he too was worried Kate was heading right back into a destructive cycle. And Jack was reacting to Kate exactly how she wanted...and he was getting in trouble...which makes her very happy.
As afternoon came I realized I had cried in my bathroom as I prayed for wisdom and patience. I had sat outside to get a moment of peace. And I had snapped at every member of my family. I felt completely defeated.
I sat in a chair in the living room. I looked around and saw my husband that was frustrated with me...and I with him. I noticed Sam was in his room, alone, trying to escape the stress in our house. I was as tense as could be. And there on the floor sat Kate and Jack playing a game, laughing, as if everything was great in the world.
I said, "Kate and Jack, do you see that nobody in our family is happy right now except you two? Do you know why? Do you realize it is because of your behavior? You two have ruined this day and you have hurt your family. I know that you probably don't care about how I feel, but I care about how I feel. And right now, I feel hurt. I don't feel like it is OK for you to be having fun while I am feeling hurt from your actions. "
Kate just looked at me annoyed that I had stopped her game, but Jack was bothered by what I had said. (Jack has some issues, but he does not have RAD). Jack put the game away and laid down on his bed. Kate just stared at me. Eventually, she got up and went to her room.
I asked Sam to come watch one of his favorite movies with me and Clint watched it too. We laughed and had a great time. Jack never came out until I called him for dinner. We have all seen him try harder to be kind since then.
Now Kate, she came out several times. We just ignored all her efforts to cause a problem and she would go back to her room. Nothing changed for her.
But a lot changed for me. I felt like I took back some control that belongs to me. I don't expect Kate to remember what I said, but I am going to remember it.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Creative RAD Consequence #349
We don't use "the tall finger" in our family and had never really noticed Kate use it either. However, about 10 days ago, I started seeing it this finger casually, but strategically placed. I didn't say anything, but made a mental note to watch out for it. Sure enough, it was being used quite often.
Kate knew this was not an acceptable behavior and she was very careful how she used it. I noticed her 2 favorite ways were to act as if she was pointing at something or she would "crack" all her knuckles except that one, leaving that finger standing alone. A smirk on her face would follow as she was empowered by doing this without getting caught.
The next week I privately spoke to her counselor about it. She then told Kate all about "non verbals" and how sometimes they spoke louder than words. She went on to say that I had told her about a new non verbal I had noticed Kate using. The smirk came onto Kate's face. The only thing better to a RAD kid then doing something and not getting caught is doing something that your parent doesn't approve of.
Kate listened as her counselor explained that it is important for us to not only hear Kate's words, but also her non verbals. She stated that in an effort to make sure we always noticed her "tall finger", it would be best if we helped her with it.
When we got home, we put a finger splint on each "tall finger". Kate was less than amused and by the end of the day she was tired of her "tall fingers" standing up.
When we took them off, we told her we would keep the splints so she could use them again, if needed. It has been 2 days so far and her "tall fingers" have managed to stay down.
Kate knew this was not an acceptable behavior and she was very careful how she used it. I noticed her 2 favorite ways were to act as if she was pointing at something or she would "crack" all her knuckles except that one, leaving that finger standing alone. A smirk on her face would follow as she was empowered by doing this without getting caught.
The next week I privately spoke to her counselor about it. She then told Kate all about "non verbals" and how sometimes they spoke louder than words. She went on to say that I had told her about a new non verbal I had noticed Kate using. The smirk came onto Kate's face. The only thing better to a RAD kid then doing something and not getting caught is doing something that your parent doesn't approve of.
Kate listened as her counselor explained that it is important for us to not only hear Kate's words, but also her non verbals. She stated that in an effort to make sure we always noticed her "tall finger", it would be best if we helped her with it.
When we got home, we put a finger splint on each "tall finger". Kate was less than amused and by the end of the day she was tired of her "tall fingers" standing up.
When we took them off, we told her we would keep the splints so she could use them again, if needed. It has been 2 days so far and her "tall fingers" have managed to stay down.
Friday, January 5, 2018
How to See Progress in a RAD's Meltdown
Kate asked if she could get out spoons for everyone at breakfast yesterday. I was glad to see her wanting to help and happily let her. As she was passing them out, I noticed she was touching the round end of each spoon. Not knowing if she knew not to do that, I stated that it is always better to touch the other end so you don't get your germs on the end that go into people's mouths. She said she understood.
However, Sam, took a spoon that she hadn't touched yet to avoid her germs. This took control from her and made her angry. Rather than voice her feelings, She took Jack's spoon and rubbed her hands all over it. She was angry at Sam, but Sam is older than her and she knows better than to be that direct with him. (He is the sweetest, most patient boy in the world to her, but he is very wise and can put her in her place with words almost every time. She doesn't like this. But she also knows he is much bigger and stronger. Although he tries everything else first, she is aware that if she pushes him too far he would win a physical battle.)
Jack is younger, shorter, and pretty oblivious most the time to what she is doing. He is very easy for her to manipulate and although he can stand his ground with her physically, she usually starts it and it seems to give her the upper hand.
He was the clear, easy target to show her anger or control even though he had nothing to do with it.
This small insignificant behavior ended in her screaming, yelling, threatening to throw dishes, her being sent out of the room, and her missing breakfast.
And we were all so proud of her.
If you have a RAD kid you already know why.
I listed the behaviors she displayed. Notice not 1 behavior included someone getting hurt. I said she "threatened" to throw dishes...yet she didn't. And I said she missed breakfast...not lunch and dinner too.
She did lose control, but she was able to regain it. This is the first time in months that a fit like that did not continue to escalate and ruin the entire day.
With RAD it is so important for us to remember to watch for small progress because we seldom see huge progress all at once. It is this gift of small steps forward that keep us going.
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