Teaching Empathy to a RAD

As the parent of a special needs child, I have learned to put my child first.  In our family Valentine's Day and anniversaries are celebrated as a family or after the kids go to bed.  I am OK with this.

As the parent of a RAD kid, I have learned that my feelings do not matter to my child.  Again, I am OK with this.

However, Kate had been doing fantastic for 7 days.  She had been in a destructive cycle for 6 months, but somehow she had managed 7 days of pure bliss. Our family was enjoying every moment.  And then on day 8 she went right back to her manipulative behavior and annoying everyone became her goal.  I had enjoyed the peace in my home and I saw it slipping away.  All of us became tense again.

Clint and I were not agreeing on how to handle this random rough day.  Clint and I seldom disagree when it comes to the kids and so this was adding to my stress.  Sam was acting withdrawn because he too was worried Kate was heading right back into a destructive cycle.  And Jack was reacting to Kate exactly how she wanted...and he was getting in trouble...which makes her very happy.

As afternoon came I realized I had cried in my bathroom as I prayed for wisdom and patience.  I had sat outside to get a moment of peace.  And I had snapped at every member of my family.  I felt completely defeated.

I sat in a chair in the living room.  I looked around and saw my husband that was frustrated with me...and I with him.  I noticed Sam was in his room, alone, trying to escape the stress in our house.  I was as tense as could be.  And there on the floor sat Kate and Jack playing a game, laughing, as if everything was great in the world.

I said, "Kate and Jack, do you see that nobody in our family is happy right now except you two?  Do you know why?  Do you realize it is because of your behavior?  You two have ruined this day and you have hurt your family.  I know that you probably don't care about how I feel, but I care about how I feel.  And right now, I feel hurt.  I don't feel like it is OK for you to be having fun while I am feeling hurt from your actions. "

Kate just looked at me annoyed that I had stopped her game, but Jack was bothered by what I had said.  (Jack has some issues, but he does not have RAD).  Jack put the game away and laid down on his bed. Kate just stared at me.  Eventually, she got up and went to her room.

I asked Sam to come watch one of his favorite movies with me and Clint watched it too.  We laughed and had a great time.  Jack never came out until I called him for dinner.  We have all seen him try harder to be kind since then.

Now Kate, she came out several times.  We just ignored all her efforts to cause a problem and she would go back to her room.  Nothing changed for her.

But a lot changed for me.  I felt like I took back some control that belongs to me.  I don't expect Kate to remember what I said, but I am going to remember it.