I cannot tell you how many moms have asked me about their child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (from here on out referred to as RAD) and all the peeing and pooping that comes with it. Rather than continuing to share all this individually, I thought I might as well do a blog entry so everyone can read it. I do not have one magic trick that works, but I can tell you WHY they do it and give you all the tips I have.
I have 2 kids with this issue. One of them is 8 and the other 9. My 9 year old is 99.9% over this hurdle. My 8 year old is about 95%. Again, I do not have 1 magic trick, but we have come along way in our family in this area. I am happy to share our journey in hopes it makes a difference for you as well.
First, lets tackle the why. Easy...control. Control is what drives every RAD behavior. RAD kids associate control with safety. Since they only trust themselves they believe they need to be in control. As children, they can not be in control of very much, but they can be in control of 4 areas.
1. Effort: they can control how hard they work at school or any task. Nobody can MAKE them try harder.
2. Hoarding or refusing food
3. Bodily waste
4. Emotions: theirs and others
Now when they pee or poop on themselves, hide messed in clothing, play in it, or even refuse to go the bathroom, they have, simply put, proved that we, as parents, cannot control everything. And bonus for them is that most of the time they get to see us get upset which means they controlled our emotions (and time).
Do you see why this is such a common behavior in RAD children???????
So what do we do about it?
Below you will find a some situations we found ourselves in and what we did about it.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND. I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR THERAPIST. THIS IS WHAT WORKED FOR US. I AM NOT SAYING IT WILL WORK FOR YOU. I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU MUST DO THESE IDEAS.
We took both kids to doctors and had multiple tests done to make sure there was not ANY physical reason they were having these problem.
1. Wetting at night
Our daughter was wet every morning at 6 years old. Come to find out, it was all the meds the state had her on at the time of her adoption. We took her off meds, she stayed dry at night.
Our son wet every night. We started the normal chart to encourage staying dry. He was able to start staying dry right away (proof that we was able to stay dry). However, the chart went away and so did our dry mornings.
After some careful observations of of husband, he developed a theory. He said that Jack was wetting the bed in the morning because it got him 1 on 1 time before the others got up, a warm shower, and he was ready for school first so he got to play or watch TV.
So the next morning when he wet the bed, I had HIM take all the wet sheets off the bed and put them in the washer. He then had a less than warm shower and was sent back to bed, that now had no sheets on it. This was not as much fun. He tried it one more time and then gave up...for a while.
Although, the behavior did not go away forever, I did enjoy the break.
This continued off and on for 3 years with Jack. I am just going to list the consequences we did below, instead of typing out the story for each one. Basically, he would be dry for months and months and then wet the bed. Grace would be shown as all kids have accidents. He would wet again the next night. We would try a new reaction. He would test it by wetting again and we would stand firm. He would give up for 4 or 5 months and then try again. I believe we are done this time, but who really knows.
When he wet the bed he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS had to clean it up. ALWAYS. I would turn on the washer and dryer, but he did all the rest.
He always had a less then warm shower to clean up himself from the mess.
We used every ounce of self control we had to let him know that this behavior ONLY made his day worse. Mine would be continuing on as normal. When I see his bed is wet, I will say "Oh that's a bummer for you." and then I walk away. He does NOTHING until he is clean and his sheets are in the washer.
*if something is already in the washer, they sit on the bed until the washer is available. them cleaning up this mess MUST be the FIRST thing they do.
Another tactic was he had to sit in the laundry room until his sheets were done. We are talking 2-3 hours of boredom.
I am not a pull up supporter, in this case. If we had to buy some because of vacation, he bought them. Sometimes that meant he had to do a job to earn the money or sell me a toy. What finally did the trick (6 months ago) was the thought of him having to sell me his drone to buy himself diapers. He decided it wasn't worth THAT and he has been dry for 6 months. We are no longer even limiting drinks in the evening. He is CHOOSING to stay dry.
2. Day time "accidental" wetting
Kate never did this, Jack had a major struggle here. I cannot tell you how many times he peed on couches, laps, car seats, carpets, and amusement parks. Seriously so gross and so annoying. Jack seemed to have an never ending supply of urine. I took him to countless doctors and told them he had to have a problem. I told them no child should pee as much or often as he did.
What it came down to, for Jack, was that he didn't like the feeling of needing to go. He also didn't like stopping what he was doing 800 times a day to go. So for him, it came down to teaching him to be OK holding it. We went from peeing every 30 minutes for a few days to every hour for a few days to every hour and half and so on. Our goal was for him to feel comfortable only going before each meal and bedtime.
Once we got to that point, the accidents stopped altogether and we were able to not monitor it all anymore. He has not had a day time accident in about a year.
3. Day time "purposeful" wetting
Kate has escaped most of this blog entry, but right here is her part. She is textbook RAD and she would look right at me and pee if I told her no about anything. She would throw an enormous fit about cleaning it up. It was a lot of fun, as you can imagine.
What works for one child doesn't always work for another. This is especially true with RAD. The 2 things that worked with Kate were:
She had to clean up and GO RIGHT BACK TO WHAT WAS CAUSING THE PROBLEM. That means that if she was in the kitchen trowing a fit and peed, then after she cleaned up herself and the mess, she went right back to the conversation or situation that started it. It was making her see that peeing was LITERALLY changing nothing. This made the behavior stop for a while.
The other thing that worked for her (that Jack couldn't have cared less about) was she didn't get to change her clothes. My husband told her she got one pair of clothes for the day and if she wanted to pee in them, that was fine, but she didn't get new ones until bedtime. Because she was wet, she had to sit on a chair, in the hallway. She hated this. She has not wet her pants in 2 years.
4. Pooping
Kate pooped in her room and played in it twice. We didn't react. We didn't say it was gross. We didn't make her clean it up. (I cleaned it up when she wasn't around). It was a behavior I wanted no part of, and so we made her believe it didn't bother us, therefore , it was no longer fun.
She will, on occasion, not poop. When this happens, I just have her go try several times a day until she gets tired of it goes.
Again, this may not work for you, but hang in there. If you have specific question, feel free to contact me and explain your situation. I will see if I have any ideas for you.
Just remember to hold them accountable and most importantly, don't let them know it bothers YOU. It needs to ONLY bother THEM, if they are going to stop.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
The term RAD
I would like to address something that has been brought to my attention. In the circle of Reactive Attachment Disorder the term "RAD" is used freely in two contexts. One of them is the stating the actual disorder. For example "My daughter has RAD.". The 2nd way it is used is as a way to quickly identify that the child you are writing about has RAD. For example "My RAD is struggling at reading.".
It was said to me (by a RAD parent) that friends and family were put off by me using this term when referencing my daughter. They felt it was wrong for me to identify her as her disorder.
I assured the mom that I did not call my child "RAD", but used the term to distinguish her from other children...considering that was the point of the article. I encouraged the mom to explain to her friends and family that it is no different than using the letters FD for foster daughter or AD for adopted daughter. Obviously, it is used to help the reader identify all the needed information without me having to type it all out every time.
So to clarify, in case you were offended too, I do not use the term RAD in a derogatory way. I do not call my daughter RAD. And I use her name or the words "my daughter" the majority of the time in my blog. I am hopeful that this explanation has cleared up any ignorance about the term and I am confident that as I continue to use it, there will be no more confusion.
It was said to me (by a RAD parent) that friends and family were put off by me using this term when referencing my daughter. They felt it was wrong for me to identify her as her disorder.
I assured the mom that I did not call my child "RAD", but used the term to distinguish her from other children...considering that was the point of the article. I encouraged the mom to explain to her friends and family that it is no different than using the letters FD for foster daughter or AD for adopted daughter. Obviously, it is used to help the reader identify all the needed information without me having to type it all out every time.
So to clarify, in case you were offended too, I do not use the term RAD in a derogatory way. I do not call my daughter RAD. And I use her name or the words "my daughter" the majority of the time in my blog. I am hopeful that this explanation has cleared up any ignorance about the term and I am confident that as I continue to use it, there will be no more confusion.
Can Your Marriage Survive RAD?
I am continuing my series today on my daughter's manipulation strategy. In my 2 previous entries I wrote about her step by step strategy and then what I tell friends and family to help educate them about it. Today I will be writing on the manipulation against moms.
I love the term "the nurturing enemy" and it's reference to a mom from a RAD point of view. I mean, seriously, how fitting is that? We do everything for our RAD and they hate us more than anyone else.
A RAD will behave differently in front of others in an attempt to make Mom look crazy. I would go into more detail about how this looks, but I don't need to. I am guessing right now every RAD mom is shaking her head yes as she reads this. Listen to me, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Why? Why do they feel need to make you look crazy? The answer is the same to every other question with a RAD...control.
I have explained this in other posts, but it is so critical in understanding RAD that I am going to explain it again. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder want to feel safe like everyone else. RAD kids only feel safe when they are in control. They cannot control many things in their lives because they are children so they go after the things they can control:
School effort
Hoarding or refusing food
Bodily waste
and...people's emotions
The first 3 I listed are easy for them to control. It is simply doing or not doing something. But it's that last one, people's emotions, that they accomplish through manipulation.
The relationship that is most affected by this is the mom, aka the nurturing enemy. And probably the most threatened relationship is your marriage.
Imagine with me that you are a young kid about to enter a tug of war contest against 2 much stronger kids. You know you are going to lose. So you decide that the only way to win is to get one of those strong kids on your team. The problem is those 2 strong kids are best friends. You are going to have to get one of them to turn on the other and join you. How do you do that...you butter them up, flatter them, and then lie about the other one. Pretty soon the tug of war game is you and 1 strong kid against the other one. You now have a chance at winning.
This is how a RAD views parents. They know they are less powerful than the 2 of you together. They are smart. Very, very smart. They show their true colors to the one they are with the most and become pals with the other. Pretty soon you find yourself telling your husband about the holy terror you dealt with that day at Walmart and all he sees is the princess that comes out in the evening.
I am going to be honest...we don't have this problem.
He knows me well enough to know that I don't lie to him and he knows her well enough to know she does.
This does not mean that Kate doesn't try. It just means we are both on to her and she rarely succeeds at this. This has been key to our marriage not only surviving, but thriving. We will both tell you that our marriage is stronger since we adopted Kate. It forced us into hyper communication and we were suddenly the only 2 people that truly understood what life was like. We NEEDED each other.
Your marriage will NOT make it if you are not both educated on RAD and neck deep in the drama that they bring into your house. You should be so much on the same page that your RAD sees you both as the nurturing enemy. ( However, even if you are both super involved and on the same team, your RAD will likely still act out against the mom. This a deep seeded reaction that goes way back. A RAD naturally chooses to hate the mom so much because that is who they would naturally attach to first and have the strongest attachment to. This is scary and so they fight this relationship the hardest. With RAD you have to think about everything as backwards so , in a way, you could look at all the hate and disgust thrown your way as proof that you are actually your RAD's favorite which is why she is so threatened by your love and commitment...just a thought.)
So what can you do to prevent your RAD from over taking your marriage?
1. Keep each other informed on what is going on.
Clint and I will even text each other across the room to see how we want to handle something that Kate is doing right then. I will also tell him before he gets home how to act toward Kate or questions to ask her. For example if she is in the safe seat and I am ignoring all her attempts at causing more of an issue, I will tel him this so he knows to ignore the behavior as well. Or if she did a great job on reading a book that day, I will tell him so he is sure to ask her how reading was.
2. Talk about the other one to your RAD.
While Clint is at work and I am dealing with Kate, I will say things like "Your dad and I will decide...". This doesn't mean I don't enforce rules or consequences without him. I just make sure I always include him or his name in some part so she knows that her attempt to triangulate the situation will be a waste of time because he will already know and he is on my side.
3. Take turns with the discipline , but be consistent.
This is so hard. Kate never knows who she is going to get stuck with when we are both home. But she does know that it doesn't matter. We have the same standards and the same rules. This doesn't mean we naturally discipline the same way, but we know we have to be consistent with our RAD. Which leads straight into #4.
4. Listen to your spouse and try their ideas.
Clint and I do think differently. We are two separate people after all. It is always nice when we can utilize the other one's approach instead of fighting it. Many a good ideas in our home have come from a conversation that started with "This is going to sound crazy, but can you trust me?".
Just yesterday I was struggling with Kate manipulating the safe seat so she could see what Sam and Jack were watching on TV. I was telling Clint about it on the phone. I told him I was at a loss because I didn't want her to watch the TV but I also didn't want her know that she had manipulated the consequence. Clint's idea was to scoot the TV out a little because of a "glare on it". I loved this idea because it took care of the problem without letting it be because of her manipulation. I took it a step further and had her go use the restroom while I moved the TV. By the time she came out, the TV was moved and we were all back in our seats as if nothing had even happened. She was not amused when she sat down and saw she could no longer see the TV.
5. Let your RAD see you love your spouse.
I think this goes without saying and is true for all kids. Let your kids know that your spouse is a priority to you. Greet each other BEFORE you greet your kids. Talk about how much your spouse means to you. Basically, help them see that your relationship is too strong for them to waste their time on destroying.
Hang in there, Moms. You aren't crazy.
I had intended on discussing how a RAD makes a mom look crazy to grandparents, friends, and teachers, but this is long enough so I think I will save that for another day.
Please let me know if you find this helpful and if there are other RAD topics or questions you would like to cover. I want to help educate and encourage!
I love the term "the nurturing enemy" and it's reference to a mom from a RAD point of view. I mean, seriously, how fitting is that? We do everything for our RAD and they hate us more than anyone else.
A RAD will behave differently in front of others in an attempt to make Mom look crazy. I would go into more detail about how this looks, but I don't need to. I am guessing right now every RAD mom is shaking her head yes as she reads this. Listen to me, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Why? Why do they feel need to make you look crazy? The answer is the same to every other question with a RAD...control.
I have explained this in other posts, but it is so critical in understanding RAD that I am going to explain it again. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder want to feel safe like everyone else. RAD kids only feel safe when they are in control. They cannot control many things in their lives because they are children so they go after the things they can control:
School effort
Hoarding or refusing food
Bodily waste
and...people's emotions
The first 3 I listed are easy for them to control. It is simply doing or not doing something. But it's that last one, people's emotions, that they accomplish through manipulation.
The relationship that is most affected by this is the mom, aka the nurturing enemy. And probably the most threatened relationship is your marriage.
Imagine with me that you are a young kid about to enter a tug of war contest against 2 much stronger kids. You know you are going to lose. So you decide that the only way to win is to get one of those strong kids on your team. The problem is those 2 strong kids are best friends. You are going to have to get one of them to turn on the other and join you. How do you do that...you butter them up, flatter them, and then lie about the other one. Pretty soon the tug of war game is you and 1 strong kid against the other one. You now have a chance at winning.
This is how a RAD views parents. They know they are less powerful than the 2 of you together. They are smart. Very, very smart. They show their true colors to the one they are with the most and become pals with the other. Pretty soon you find yourself telling your husband about the holy terror you dealt with that day at Walmart and all he sees is the princess that comes out in the evening.
I am going to be honest...we don't have this problem.
He knows me well enough to know that I don't lie to him and he knows her well enough to know she does.
This does not mean that Kate doesn't try. It just means we are both on to her and she rarely succeeds at this. This has been key to our marriage not only surviving, but thriving. We will both tell you that our marriage is stronger since we adopted Kate. It forced us into hyper communication and we were suddenly the only 2 people that truly understood what life was like. We NEEDED each other.
Your marriage will NOT make it if you are not both educated on RAD and neck deep in the drama that they bring into your house. You should be so much on the same page that your RAD sees you both as the nurturing enemy. ( However, even if you are both super involved and on the same team, your RAD will likely still act out against the mom. This a deep seeded reaction that goes way back. A RAD naturally chooses to hate the mom so much because that is who they would naturally attach to first and have the strongest attachment to. This is scary and so they fight this relationship the hardest. With RAD you have to think about everything as backwards so , in a way, you could look at all the hate and disgust thrown your way as proof that you are actually your RAD's favorite which is why she is so threatened by your love and commitment...just a thought.)
So what can you do to prevent your RAD from over taking your marriage?
1. Keep each other informed on what is going on.
Clint and I will even text each other across the room to see how we want to handle something that Kate is doing right then. I will also tell him before he gets home how to act toward Kate or questions to ask her. For example if she is in the safe seat and I am ignoring all her attempts at causing more of an issue, I will tel him this so he knows to ignore the behavior as well. Or if she did a great job on reading a book that day, I will tell him so he is sure to ask her how reading was.
2. Talk about the other one to your RAD.
While Clint is at work and I am dealing with Kate, I will say things like "Your dad and I will decide...". This doesn't mean I don't enforce rules or consequences without him. I just make sure I always include him or his name in some part so she knows that her attempt to triangulate the situation will be a waste of time because he will already know and he is on my side.
3. Take turns with the discipline , but be consistent.
This is so hard. Kate never knows who she is going to get stuck with when we are both home. But she does know that it doesn't matter. We have the same standards and the same rules. This doesn't mean we naturally discipline the same way, but we know we have to be consistent with our RAD. Which leads straight into #4.
4. Listen to your spouse and try their ideas.
Clint and I do think differently. We are two separate people after all. It is always nice when we can utilize the other one's approach instead of fighting it. Many a good ideas in our home have come from a conversation that started with "This is going to sound crazy, but can you trust me?".
Just yesterday I was struggling with Kate manipulating the safe seat so she could see what Sam and Jack were watching on TV. I was telling Clint about it on the phone. I told him I was at a loss because I didn't want her to watch the TV but I also didn't want her know that she had manipulated the consequence. Clint's idea was to scoot the TV out a little because of a "glare on it". I loved this idea because it took care of the problem without letting it be because of her manipulation. I took it a step further and had her go use the restroom while I moved the TV. By the time she came out, the TV was moved and we were all back in our seats as if nothing had even happened. She was not amused when she sat down and saw she could no longer see the TV.
5. Let your RAD see you love your spouse.
I think this goes without saying and is true for all kids. Let your kids know that your spouse is a priority to you. Greet each other BEFORE you greet your kids. Talk about how much your spouse means to you. Basically, help them see that your relationship is too strong for them to waste their time on destroying.
Hang in there, Moms. You aren't crazy.
I had intended on discussing how a RAD makes a mom look crazy to grandparents, friends, and teachers, but this is long enough so I think I will save that for another day.
Please let me know if you find this helpful and if there are other RAD topics or questions you would like to cover. I want to help educate and encourage!
Friday, March 16, 2018
RAD's Manipulation Strategy (Part 2) Educating Others
They other day I shared my RAD daughter's step by step manipulation. At the end of that I stated I would be following it up with another entry about manipulation. I am trying to keep these short and sweet and easy to read so I have decided to actually to a couple more on this topic instead of trying to cram all the information into this one.
As I mentioned before, my previous entry focused on the actual steps of her strategy. Today's is going to focus on equipping unsuspecting adults to notice it and be able to stop her. It is very difficult to find individuals that actually want to to get in the trenches of RAD with us, but when we find a soul brave enough, we need to do all we can to help them understand RAD and how they can truly help. My daughter's counselor always says that it isn't enough to love RADS. You have to love them WELL. Loving a RAD well looks a bit different than plain old love.
After you have explained, to any willing adult, that a RAD looks for the weakest adult so that they have a better a chance of manipulation, it is time to explain to them what a RAD interprets as "weakness" in adults.
When I was explaining this to my mother in law I said the words "Sadly, everything that makes a grandparent special is viewed as a weakness in Kate's eyes. This is some what true for parents, but even more for grandparents. I am sorry about this. I know it is hard."
I went on to list specific actions that Kate sees as weakness.
A soft voice or tone
Anything special (a treat or gift)
Hugs
Anything besides a firm "NO" (example "can you please stop" does not work)
One on one attention
Choices (example "do you want milk or water")
Compliments
Not being reprimanded IMMEDIATELY
I went on to tell my mother in law that Kate's relationship with her needed to be viewed the same in Kate's eyes as her relationship with her counselor. She is someone that supports her dad and I because she knows WE are what she needs. Kate needs to see that my mother in law's goal is to strengthen Kate's attachment to US and that the priority is not Kate attaching to her.
I try to assure to my mother in law that the way Kate needs her to talk to her and interact with her will seem very unnatural, but it is all part of loving Kate well. I said " Your tone with Kate needs to be different than you have probably ever talked to someone else. You are not being mean. It just feels that way because Kate is a child and one you love very much. However, you have to remind yourself that Kate views a strict, firm tone as someone that can protect her and keep her safe."
Stress to this brave adult that you hope someday they can have more relaxed and "fun" relationship with your RAD, but they have to earn the RAD's respect first. They will never respect an adult they can manipulate. But advice them that it will take years to truly earn their respect.
Make sure this adult knows that they will mess up. They will be manipulated by the RAD. We all are. I feel like I do a pretty good job of staying 20 steps ahead of my RAD, but sometimes she gets me. I have to make a note of her tactic I fell for, get up, and get ahead again.
Mostly, give grace to this adult that has come along beside you to help you love your RAD well. This is new to them. It was new to us once too. Encourage them. Tell them you appreciate them.
If you haven't found that brave soul, ask around. There may be someone that wants to help, but has no idea how. Maybe the would be willing to learn about RAD. I started this blog to encourage the parents raising RADs and to educate everyone else. We can't do it alone. Teach someone to help you...well.
As I mentioned before, my previous entry focused on the actual steps of her strategy. Today's is going to focus on equipping unsuspecting adults to notice it and be able to stop her. It is very difficult to find individuals that actually want to to get in the trenches of RAD with us, but when we find a soul brave enough, we need to do all we can to help them understand RAD and how they can truly help. My daughter's counselor always says that it isn't enough to love RADS. You have to love them WELL. Loving a RAD well looks a bit different than plain old love.
After you have explained, to any willing adult, that a RAD looks for the weakest adult so that they have a better a chance of manipulation, it is time to explain to them what a RAD interprets as "weakness" in adults.
When I was explaining this to my mother in law I said the words "Sadly, everything that makes a grandparent special is viewed as a weakness in Kate's eyes. This is some what true for parents, but even more for grandparents. I am sorry about this. I know it is hard."
I went on to list specific actions that Kate sees as weakness.
A soft voice or tone
Anything special (a treat or gift)
Hugs
Anything besides a firm "NO" (example "can you please stop" does not work)
One on one attention
Choices (example "do you want milk or water")
Compliments
Not being reprimanded IMMEDIATELY
I went on to tell my mother in law that Kate's relationship with her needed to be viewed the same in Kate's eyes as her relationship with her counselor. She is someone that supports her dad and I because she knows WE are what she needs. Kate needs to see that my mother in law's goal is to strengthen Kate's attachment to US and that the priority is not Kate attaching to her.
I try to assure to my mother in law that the way Kate needs her to talk to her and interact with her will seem very unnatural, but it is all part of loving Kate well. I said " Your tone with Kate needs to be different than you have probably ever talked to someone else. You are not being mean. It just feels that way because Kate is a child and one you love very much. However, you have to remind yourself that Kate views a strict, firm tone as someone that can protect her and keep her safe."
Stress to this brave adult that you hope someday they can have more relaxed and "fun" relationship with your RAD, but they have to earn the RAD's respect first. They will never respect an adult they can manipulate. But advice them that it will take years to truly earn their respect.
Make sure this adult knows that they will mess up. They will be manipulated by the RAD. We all are. I feel like I do a pretty good job of staying 20 steps ahead of my RAD, but sometimes she gets me. I have to make a note of her tactic I fell for, get up, and get ahead again.
Mostly, give grace to this adult that has come along beside you to help you love your RAD well. This is new to them. It was new to us once too. Encourage them. Tell them you appreciate them.
If you haven't found that brave soul, ask around. There may be someone that wants to help, but has no idea how. Maybe the would be willing to learn about RAD. I started this blog to encourage the parents raising RADs and to educate everyone else. We can't do it alone. Teach someone to help you...well.
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
A RAD's Step by Step Adult Manipulation Strategy
I am blessed with parents and in-laws that WANT to learn about RAD so they can emotionally and physically help us in this journey with our daughter. One evening about 2 months ago I found myself chatting with my mother in law about Kate. I was sharing very detailed information and signs to watch for because they were going to be spending some time together later in the week.
I am a bit of a nerd when it comes to list and typed up papers and schedules, so I typed up a paper about what I wanted to make sure I told her. I know every RAD is different, but I thought I would share what my RAD's strategy looks like. Maybe this will help you has you put an order to your RAD's or maybe you can share this with your friends, family, church, or school as a way to help them see how a RAD is always watching and waiting to pounce.
The following is my daughter manipulation strategy. She will use this when she meets new people or when she is around any adults (church, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, doctors, teachers)
1) She is sweet and agreeable.
2) Adult is impressed with her and begins a conversation.
3) She uses this conversation to charm adult, but what she is really doing is analyzing if the are weak. (If she finds they are not weak, she moves on to the next adult.)
4) She continues to compliment adult so adult feels like they are "bonding".
5) Once she gets a compliment form the adult, she knows she has them caught. Her attitude completely changes and my husband and I can even see a change on her face. She will now manipulate every moment from here on out until she is caught by my husband or myself. This happens so fast (and she is so good at it) that the adult is unaware the change has even taken place.
6) She begins another conversation. This time SHE will decide what is talk about. She will interrupt. She will ask questions, but not listen for an answer. She will not stop talking or let this adult talk to anyone else.
7) If she is not caught and stopped in the previous tactic, she ups her game and sees what all she can convince the adult to actually do. She will have adult hold things for her. She will ask the adult to come with her. It doesn't matter to where because it is just about control and power. She will have them read to her. She will have them "help" her do something she doesn't need help with. It has nothing to do with her wanting a relationship. It is a conquest. How much can she control you? How much power can she prove?
8) If she has manged to get this far without getting caught, she will up her game again. This time she will try getting the adult to do things that are not really wrong, but against what we have told her. For example in our house the rule is that all bedroom doors are open unless you are in there alone. Kate will try to take people to her room to see something and then ask them to shut the door. If they do it, she has controlled them again. The adult has no idea that they just broke a rule, but Kate knows. Knowledge is power to a RAD.
9) The last step is her making choices that are wrong by all standards.
The goal is to get family and friends to understand that Kate does not care about them. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. She is not trying to form a relationship with them. She is trying to manipulate them. In fact, the person in the group she chooses to latch on to, is the one she feels like is the weakest and easiest for her to manipulate and conquer.
I encourage to watch your RAD and see if you can figure out their strategy with other adults. I will follow this blog up with another one about how we intercept her manipulation.
I am a bit of a nerd when it comes to list and typed up papers and schedules, so I typed up a paper about what I wanted to make sure I told her. I know every RAD is different, but I thought I would share what my RAD's strategy looks like. Maybe this will help you has you put an order to your RAD's or maybe you can share this with your friends, family, church, or school as a way to help them see how a RAD is always watching and waiting to pounce.
The following is my daughter manipulation strategy. She will use this when she meets new people or when she is around any adults (church, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, doctors, teachers)
1) She is sweet and agreeable.
2) Adult is impressed with her and begins a conversation.
3) She uses this conversation to charm adult, but what she is really doing is analyzing if the are weak. (If she finds they are not weak, she moves on to the next adult.)
4) She continues to compliment adult so adult feels like they are "bonding".
5) Once she gets a compliment form the adult, she knows she has them caught. Her attitude completely changes and my husband and I can even see a change on her face. She will now manipulate every moment from here on out until she is caught by my husband or myself. This happens so fast (and she is so good at it) that the adult is unaware the change has even taken place.
6) She begins another conversation. This time SHE will decide what is talk about. She will interrupt. She will ask questions, but not listen for an answer. She will not stop talking or let this adult talk to anyone else.
7) If she is not caught and stopped in the previous tactic, she ups her game and sees what all she can convince the adult to actually do. She will have adult hold things for her. She will ask the adult to come with her. It doesn't matter to where because it is just about control and power. She will have them read to her. She will have them "help" her do something she doesn't need help with. It has nothing to do with her wanting a relationship. It is a conquest. How much can she control you? How much power can she prove?
8) If she has manged to get this far without getting caught, she will up her game again. This time she will try getting the adult to do things that are not really wrong, but against what we have told her. For example in our house the rule is that all bedroom doors are open unless you are in there alone. Kate will try to take people to her room to see something and then ask them to shut the door. If they do it, she has controlled them again. The adult has no idea that they just broke a rule, but Kate knows. Knowledge is power to a RAD.
9) The last step is her making choices that are wrong by all standards.
The goal is to get family and friends to understand that Kate does not care about them. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. She is not trying to form a relationship with them. She is trying to manipulate them. In fact, the person in the group she chooses to latch on to, is the one she feels like is the weakest and easiest for her to manipulate and conquer.
I encourage to watch your RAD and see if you can figure out their strategy with other adults. I will follow this blog up with another one about how we intercept her manipulation.
Saturday, March 10, 2018
5 Responses to Family and Friends About RAD
"Oh it is just a fit. My daughter does the same thing."
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
"Have you tried helping her understand she is loved now?"
"Why don't you let me help? I will take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
I don't know about you but I have had all of these statement (plus more) said to me by well meaning friends and family in regards to my daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I used to be left speechless. I had all these things I wanted to say, but never did. I have talked to many of you and found you have the same problem. So, I am here to help. Let's do this once and for all.
I am going to respond to each one the these statements in a way that will educate our friends and family about RAD and how it affects us and how they can help. I encourage you to become familiar with these responses so they will be on the tip of your tongue when needed. You could also share this online so that friends and family can read and become more understanding of RAD.
Before we dive into those, lets define RAD and what causes it.
Reactive Attachment Disorder, in my definition, is simply how a child reacts to attachment due to trauma, abuse and/or neglect early in his/her life.
"Oh, it's just a fit. My daughter does the same thing."
We have all heard this one. My sassy comeback is "Oh, really. Please tell me about the trauma , abuse , and neglect your child encountered early in their life...and then I will tell you about my child's". But since we are adults and we are trying to educate others, I bite my tongue.
A better response is "Yes, fits are a part of childhood. All my children have thrown fits too. The difference with my RAD is that she isn't upset she didn't get her way. Rather she is throwing this fit to show me that she is strong and has power. She does this because when I tell her no, it proved to her she wasn't in control. This makes her feel vulnerable. Many times in her life when she was over powered by adults, it ended in abuse and trauma. She is scared of that happening with me and so she throws a fit to show me (and herself) that she is not weak."
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better?"
Response: "I can see why you feel like my approach with my RAD is harsh. It is quite different than my approach with my "normal" kids. RAD's are master manipulators. If she feels like there is any wiggle room in my words or instructions, she will take full advantage of it. I am trying to teach my RAD that I am in control. I don't want her to feel that way because I feel powerful to have a child fully submit to me. I want her to see that even when she is fully submitted to me, she is still safe. I will keep her safe. This will free her to be a child. She has never been able to do that before. We are confidant that this is the best way to approach her...and so are the experts."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
Response: "RAD is caused by trauma, abuse, and/or neglect in early childhood. Like us, she is not able to undo what the beginning of her life was like. Those experiences will always have been a part of her life. So sadly, she will not ever outgrow her early life. We do our best to help her work through all of that and show her that she is OK now."
"Have you tried helping her understand that she is loved now?"
Response: "Yes. Actually, we spend every day trying to help her understand that. My daughter is different than your child and that means my love looks different. It is not less. It is different. Your child already knows and believes you love them. My daughter does not. My daughter doesn't even want me to love her. She doesn't understand love because love has been confusing in the past. Adults that were supposed to love her, didn't. And adults that said they loved her, hurt her. Love is a threatening idea to my RAD. In our home we talk a lot about being "wanted" and being "safe". Those words are much more important to a RAD. I know I love her and I pray someday she knows it too.
"Why don't you let me help? Let me take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
Response: (sassy) "The fact that you think you can do that is the exact reason I can't let you.
Response: I appreciate your willingness to help, but that would cause challenges in the relationship I am working on with my daughter. Unless somebody truly understand RAD and how to react to it, they can damage work that has been accomplished between the RAD and parents. I know that is hard for you to understand. If you would like to commit to understanding RAD so you could be someone I could (realistically) count on, I can give you some books, blogs, and websites so you can get educated about RAD. Let me know if that is something you would be interested in. We could always use support and encouragement. Some ways that would be helpful would be dropping off dinner sometime, inviting us to activities without judgment if we can't make it or have to leave early, a card of encouragement in mail can go a long way, and we covet prayer.
Our friends and family do not understand RAD. We probably didn't either until it was in our home. So instead of becoming moms that lose friendships and have tension with family members, let's step back and try to educate them. I feel like most of these responses are effective in giving an intelligent answer that don't leave much room for an argument. They may open up a discussion and isn't that what we all want?
I can't have my friendships and relationships be the same as they were before RAD, but I don't have to completely get rid of them either. I believe that the people in our life that truly want to understand will be receptive to learning. But we have to actually go back and teach, not just expect them to know and understand like we do.
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
"Have you tried helping her understand she is loved now?"
"Why don't you let me help? I will take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
I don't know about you but I have had all of these statement (plus more) said to me by well meaning friends and family in regards to my daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I used to be left speechless. I had all these things I wanted to say, but never did. I have talked to many of you and found you have the same problem. So, I am here to help. Let's do this once and for all.
I am going to respond to each one the these statements in a way that will educate our friends and family about RAD and how it affects us and how they can help. I encourage you to become familiar with these responses so they will be on the tip of your tongue when needed. You could also share this online so that friends and family can read and become more understanding of RAD.
Before we dive into those, lets define RAD and what causes it.
Reactive Attachment Disorder, in my definition, is simply how a child reacts to attachment due to trauma, abuse and/or neglect early in his/her life.
"Oh, it's just a fit. My daughter does the same thing."
We have all heard this one. My sassy comeback is "Oh, really. Please tell me about the trauma , abuse , and neglect your child encountered early in their life...and then I will tell you about my child's". But since we are adults and we are trying to educate others, I bite my tongue.
A better response is "Yes, fits are a part of childhood. All my children have thrown fits too. The difference with my RAD is that she isn't upset she didn't get her way. Rather she is throwing this fit to show me that she is strong and has power. She does this because when I tell her no, it proved to her she wasn't in control. This makes her feel vulnerable. Many times in her life when she was over powered by adults, it ended in abuse and trauma. She is scared of that happening with me and so she throws a fit to show me (and herself) that she is not weak."
"Maybe if you weren't so harsh your child would respond better?"
Response: "I can see why you feel like my approach with my RAD is harsh. It is quite different than my approach with my "normal" kids. RAD's are master manipulators. If she feels like there is any wiggle room in my words or instructions, she will take full advantage of it. I am trying to teach my RAD that I am in control. I don't want her to feel that way because I feel powerful to have a child fully submit to me. I want her to see that even when she is fully submitted to me, she is still safe. I will keep her safe. This will free her to be a child. She has never been able to do that before. We are confidant that this is the best way to approach her...and so are the experts."
"Don't worry. I am sure she will outgrow it."
Response: "RAD is caused by trauma, abuse, and/or neglect in early childhood. Like us, she is not able to undo what the beginning of her life was like. Those experiences will always have been a part of her life. So sadly, she will not ever outgrow her early life. We do our best to help her work through all of that and show her that she is OK now."
"Have you tried helping her understand that she is loved now?"
Response: "Yes. Actually, we spend every day trying to help her understand that. My daughter is different than your child and that means my love looks different. It is not less. It is different. Your child already knows and believes you love them. My daughter does not. My daughter doesn't even want me to love her. She doesn't understand love because love has been confusing in the past. Adults that were supposed to love her, didn't. And adults that said they loved her, hurt her. Love is a threatening idea to my RAD. In our home we talk a lot about being "wanted" and being "safe". Those words are much more important to a RAD. I know I love her and I pray someday she knows it too.
"Why don't you let me help? Let me take her for the day so you can go enjoy yourself and relax."
Response: (sassy) "The fact that you think you can do that is the exact reason I can't let you.
Response: I appreciate your willingness to help, but that would cause challenges in the relationship I am working on with my daughter. Unless somebody truly understand RAD and how to react to it, they can damage work that has been accomplished between the RAD and parents. I know that is hard for you to understand. If you would like to commit to understanding RAD so you could be someone I could (realistically) count on, I can give you some books, blogs, and websites so you can get educated about RAD. Let me know if that is something you would be interested in. We could always use support and encouragement. Some ways that would be helpful would be dropping off dinner sometime, inviting us to activities without judgment if we can't make it or have to leave early, a card of encouragement in mail can go a long way, and we covet prayer.
Our friends and family do not understand RAD. We probably didn't either until it was in our home. So instead of becoming moms that lose friendships and have tension with family members, let's step back and try to educate them. I feel like most of these responses are effective in giving an intelligent answer that don't leave much room for an argument. They may open up a discussion and isn't that what we all want?
I can't have my friendships and relationships be the same as they were before RAD, but I don't have to completely get rid of them either. I believe that the people in our life that truly want to understand will be receptive to learning. But we have to actually go back and teach, not just expect them to know and understand like we do.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
A Fun Way to Teach Kids to Show Love
At our house we have 2 (adopted) kids that struggle showing and even accepting Love. This is an ongoing lesson in our home as we try to take every chance we can to point out Love. About 2 years ago, I went to the Love chapter in the Bible and put it down at their level. All my kids have this memorized and it had helped us in teaching them. The following is how we say it and below you will find a creative, fun way we put that Love in action, again on their level.
1 Corinthians 13...our version.
"Love never gives up. I doesn't mind waiting happily.
Love cares more about others. It isn't me first. It isn't my way.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. No gimme hands.
Love waits to be invited.
Love has self control. It doesn't yell. Its doesn't hit. It doesn't pout. And it doesn't spit.
And it never, never, never, never, never throws a fit!
Love doesn't brag. It doesn't have to be the best.
Love doesn't like to see others get in trouble.
Love doesn't like to see other get upset.
Love takes pleasure in telling the truth.
Love puts up with anything.
And trust God with everything."
In our house we ask each night at bedtime "how did someone show love to you today" and how did you show love to someone else". We stepped up the game to try and get the little ones more involved.
We all sat down and decorated paper lunch bags however we wanted, kind of like a valentines box. Then I gave each member of the family 12 little squares of card stock. We all picked a color and colored all 12 of our cards that color.
Now each day, we look for ways to show love to each other. Whenever we do, we put 1 of our colored cards in that person's bag. Before bed, we all look in our bags, one at a time, and say the names of all the people that did an act of love for us that day.
I have enjoyed this for a few reasons:
It's cheap and easy. I have less than $5 invested in this and we can keep using the same pieces everyday. (Each night I put all the colored cards back into a bowl so we just reuse the same ones.)
It isn't something materialistic that my kids can confuse with Love. The act itself is the gift!
It is something they do all day, not just at bedtime.
They get to see how happy they made someone.
The kids have loved this and are really looking for ways to Love on one another.
***As a bonus, sometimes I provide M&M's for each time their card was pulled out of someone's bag that evening. I don't tell them ahead of time when I am doing it so it a little extra LOVE for those that went out of their way to show LOVE that day.***
1 Corinthians 13...our version.
"Love never gives up. I doesn't mind waiting happily.
Love cares more about others. It isn't me first. It isn't my way.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. No gimme hands.
Love waits to be invited.
Love has self control. It doesn't yell. Its doesn't hit. It doesn't pout. And it doesn't spit.
And it never, never, never, never, never throws a fit!
Love doesn't brag. It doesn't have to be the best.
Love doesn't like to see others get in trouble.
Love doesn't like to see other get upset.
Love takes pleasure in telling the truth.
Love puts up with anything.
And trust God with everything."
In our house we ask each night at bedtime "how did someone show love to you today" and how did you show love to someone else". We stepped up the game to try and get the little ones more involved.
We all sat down and decorated paper lunch bags however we wanted, kind of like a valentines box. Then I gave each member of the family 12 little squares of card stock. We all picked a color and colored all 12 of our cards that color.
Now each day, we look for ways to show love to each other. Whenever we do, we put 1 of our colored cards in that person's bag. Before bed, we all look in our bags, one at a time, and say the names of all the people that did an act of love for us that day.
I have enjoyed this for a few reasons:
It's cheap and easy. I have less than $5 invested in this and we can keep using the same pieces everyday. (Each night I put all the colored cards back into a bowl so we just reuse the same ones.)
It isn't something materialistic that my kids can confuse with Love. The act itself is the gift!
It is something they do all day, not just at bedtime.
They get to see how happy they made someone.
The kids have loved this and are really looking for ways to Love on one another.
***As a bonus, sometimes I provide M&M's for each time their card was pulled out of someone's bag that evening. I don't tell them ahead of time when I am doing it so it a little extra LOVE for those that went out of their way to show LOVE that day.***
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