A Fun Way to Teach Kids to Show Love

At our house we have 2 (adopted) kids that struggle showing and even accepting Love.  This is an ongoing lesson in our home as we try to take every chance we can to point out Love.  About 2 years ago, I went to the Love chapter in the Bible and put it down at their level.  All my kids have this memorized and it had helped us in teaching them.  The following is how we say it and below you will find a creative, fun way we put that Love in action, again on their level.

1 Corinthians 13...our version.
"Love never gives up.  I doesn't mind waiting happily.
Love cares more about others.  It isn't me first.  It isn't my way.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.  No gimme hands.
Love waits to be invited.
Love has self control.  It doesn't yell.  Its doesn't hit.  It doesn't pout. And it doesn't spit.
And it never, never, never, never, never throws a fit!
Love doesn't brag.  It doesn't have to be the best.
Love doesn't like to see others get in trouble.
Love doesn't like to see other get upset.
Love takes pleasure in telling the truth.
Love puts up with anything.
And trust God with everything."


In our house we ask each night at bedtime "how did someone show love to you today" and how did you show love to someone else".  We stepped up the game to try and get the little ones more involved.

We all sat down and decorated paper lunch bags however we wanted, kind of like a valentines box.  Then I gave each member of the family 12 little squares of card stock.  We all picked a color and colored all 12 of our cards that color.

Now each day, we look for ways to show love to each other.  Whenever we do, we put 1 of our colored cards in that person's bag.  Before bed, we all look in our bags, one at a time, and say the names of all the people that did an act of love for us that day.

I have enjoyed this for a few reasons:

It's cheap and easy.  I have less than $5 invested in this and we can keep using the same pieces everyday.  (Each night I put all the colored cards back into a bowl so we just reuse the same ones.)

It isn't something materialistic that my kids can confuse with Love.  The act itself is the gift!

It is something they do all day, not just at bedtime.

They get to see how happy  they made someone.

The kids have loved this and are really looking for ways to Love on one another.


***As a bonus, sometimes I provide M&M's for each time their card was pulled out of someone's bag that evening.  I don't tell them ahead of time when I am doing it so it a little extra LOVE for those that went out of their way to show LOVE that day.***

Creative RAD Consequence #331

Is seems impossible to keep up with RAD kids and consequences.  What worked one day fails miserably the next day.  Not to mention it all the professionals disagree about what consequences are most effective.

In our home we change things up all the time.  Our RAD, Kate, does better when we are consistent with our rules, but unpredictable with our consequences.  When she is not sure what the consequence will be it makes her think twice before she breaks a rule.  Traditional consequences have there place with RAD, but every parent needs many, many creative ones too.

I am starting a series of sharing some of the consequences we use.  A few of them are super easy, while others take more planning.  You will find your rhythm on when to use each...and maybe come up with some of your own.

So first up is # 331

Touching Your Nose 1 Time

Kate asks me a million questions all day long.  These are all questions she already knows the answer to.  Why?  Why would she do this?

The answer:  because in her mind she is "controlling" me by making me answer her.  Control means power and power means safety.

The other possible answer: it annoys me and Kate finds great pleasure in annoying everyone.

So when Kate asks me a question she already knows the answer to, I do not stop what I am doing or even look at her.  I simply touch my nose 1 time.

I explained the very first time I ever did this that it meant I knew she did not need an answer and I would not be acknowledging this conversation anymore. 

She of course needed to test it out.

The 1st few times she tried everything to get me to answer her.  She kept asking , poking me, grabbing me, tapping me, grunting, groaning, screaming, and all her other typical behaviors.  I responded to nothing. 

She upped her game and got physical.  Without talking to her, I moved her to her room and walked out.  This went back and forth for a little bit, but she eventually realized I was not going to respond.  She never took it to that level again.

We have been doing this for about a year now.  Most of the time it works.  She is usually irritated by it, but it still works.  Occasionally she will have a little huff and puff fit as she walks off, but that is still a success in my book.


Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.  Or feel free to ask if you have any questions.

When RAD Makes You Feel "Crushed"

My 11 year old bio son asked to write another entry for my blog.  He wrote it last night and is anxious to help others understand life with a RAD kid.

Crushed
by Sam Williams (11 years old)

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has gone to bed at night and just felt crushed.  Whether you feel like the day was a waste or like you could have handled yourself better or maybe feel like you were treated unfairly.  This is feeling is a thousand times worse when you live with a RAD kid.  But you know there are going to be troubles in your life to overcome.

There is a comfort for people who feel crushed and that is the Almighty.

This morning my devotion was about trust.  I got to wondering what is trust, do I really know what that word means?  I looked it up and it is our confidence in someone or something...or in God. 

Now think about that (and if you are not a Christian , I encourage you to look into that too).  Ask yourself,  "Do i have confidence in God that He knows the future and He will take care of us?".  It is nothing to be ashamed of if you don't. 

Just yesterday I was having a conversation about Kate with someone and the person asked me "Sam, do you trust God that He will take care of you?'.  I skipped over the question and later in the conversation I answered back "no". 

Since then I have been working on strengthening my trust in God.  I encourage you when you are feeling crushed to go to the Almighty and He will help us if you are willing to trust Him.

Reactive Attachment Disorder Quote

Always say,

 “i LOVE you and i WANT you” to RAD kids…they don’t understand “love” but they know what “want” means.

and everybody wants to be WANTED.

-stayingallthedays@blogspot.com

RAD and Lack of Trust

Our daughter has a health condition that requires many doctors to follow her.  This is in addition to RAD.  Kate also has a history of abandonment in hospitals.  On three occasions, in three different families, she had a fit of rage in a foster home that caused the foster families to call 911.  All three times she was restrained in the ambulance.  All three times she was given a shot in her thigh that sedated her.  And all three times, she woke up somewhere new and never saw the family that she had been with again.

It is an understatement to say that Kate had major issues anytime we went to any doctor once she moved in with us.  Her health condition required her to be put under several times the first year we had her.  It took 3 adults to hold her down while they had a mask on her with "sleepy air".  She would yell, kick, hit, bite ,and spit to try and stay awake.  The medical team was always amazed how long she could fight it off.

When she woke up, she would act the same way and make every attempt she could to get out of the hospital.  She was 6 and 7 years old.

She did this because she was fully convinced that we would abandon her at the hospital while she was asleep.  Nothing we said could convince her otherwise.

Last year she had to have a major surgery and would need to be inpatient for 4 days following the procedure.  We talked about this constantly.  I promised her I would not leave that hospital until she could leave with me.

I honored my promise and never left her room until we both did to come home.  It meant something to her.  As we were packing up our bags to leave she said "I think I understand what foster care is, Mom.  It's always moving to a new home.  And I'm not in foster care now.".

Yes!  My sweet girl!  You are not there!  Life is different now!

Just a few days ago she had surgery again.  This time it was out patient.  I told her that we would be coming home that same day.  She said "oh man.  I was hoping for some more girl time like last time.".

She did amazing this time.  She was nervous to go to sleep when it actually came time to put on the mask, but there was no fit.  And she even woke up pretty peacefully.

This has been a hard year with RAD and Kate.  Maybe even the hardest yet.  But every now and then she does or says something that reminds us that even if the days are hard, she is noticing we are different than other caregivers have been.  These are the moments we have to hang onto so we can get through the hard days.

Teaching Empathy to a RAD

As the parent of a special needs child, I have learned to put my child first.  In our family Valentine's Day and anniversaries are celebrated as a family or after the kids go to bed.  I am OK with this.

As the parent of a RAD kid, I have learned that my feelings do not matter to my child.  Again, I am OK with this.

However, Kate had been doing fantastic for 7 days.  She had been in a destructive cycle for 6 months, but somehow she had managed 7 days of pure bliss. Our family was enjoying every moment.  And then on day 8 she went right back to her manipulative behavior and annoying everyone became her goal.  I had enjoyed the peace in my home and I saw it slipping away.  All of us became tense again.

Clint and I were not agreeing on how to handle this random rough day.  Clint and I seldom disagree when it comes to the kids and so this was adding to my stress.  Sam was acting withdrawn because he too was worried Kate was heading right back into a destructive cycle.  And Jack was reacting to Kate exactly how she wanted...and he was getting in trouble...which makes her very happy.

As afternoon came I realized I had cried in my bathroom as I prayed for wisdom and patience.  I had sat outside to get a moment of peace.  And I had snapped at every member of my family.  I felt completely defeated.

I sat in a chair in the living room.  I looked around and saw my husband that was frustrated with me...and I with him.  I noticed Sam was in his room, alone, trying to escape the stress in our house.  I was as tense as could be.  And there on the floor sat Kate and Jack playing a game, laughing, as if everything was great in the world.

I said, "Kate and Jack, do you see that nobody in our family is happy right now except you two?  Do you know why?  Do you realize it is because of your behavior?  You two have ruined this day and you have hurt your family.  I know that you probably don't care about how I feel, but I care about how I feel.  And right now, I feel hurt.  I don't feel like it is OK for you to be having fun while I am feeling hurt from your actions. "

Kate just looked at me annoyed that I had stopped her game, but Jack was bothered by what I had said.  (Jack has some issues, but he does not have RAD).  Jack put the game away and laid down on his bed. Kate just stared at me.  Eventually, she got up and went to her room.

I asked Sam to come watch one of his favorite movies with me and Clint watched it too.  We laughed and had a great time.  Jack never came out until I called him for dinner.  We have all seen him try harder to be kind since then.

Now Kate, she came out several times.  We just ignored all her efforts to cause a problem and she would go back to her room.  Nothing changed for her.

But a lot changed for me.  I felt like I took back some control that belongs to me.  I don't expect Kate to remember what I said, but I am going to remember it.   

Creative RAD Consequence #349

We don't use "the tall finger" in our family and had never really noticed Kate use it either.  However, about 10 days ago, I started seeing it this finger casually, but strategically placed.  I didn't say anything, but made a mental note to watch out for it.  Sure enough, it was being used quite often.

Kate knew this was not an acceptable behavior and she was very careful how she used it.  I noticed her 2 favorite ways were to act as if she was pointing at something or she would "crack" all her knuckles except that one, leaving that finger standing alone.  A smirk on her face would follow as she was empowered by doing this without getting caught.

The next week I privately spoke to her counselor about it.  She then told Kate all about "non verbals" and how sometimes they spoke louder than words.  She went on to say that I had told her about a new non verbal I had noticed Kate using.  The smirk came onto Kate's face.  The only thing better to a RAD kid then doing something and not getting caught is doing something that your parent doesn't approve of.

Kate listened as her counselor explained that it is important for us to not only hear Kate's words, but also her non verbals.  She stated that in an effort to make sure we always noticed her "tall finger", it would be best if we helped her with it.

When we got home, we put a finger splint on each "tall finger".  Kate was less than amused and by the end of the day she was tired of her "tall fingers" standing up.

When we took them off, we told her we would keep the splints so she could use them again, if needed.  It has been 2 days so far and her "tall fingers" have managed to stay down.